Throughout my entire life, I have tried to share lessons I learned the hard way. I don’t do so because I believe I know better or am some sort of guru -but in an attempt that maybe someone will benefit from my mistakes.
Humans being who we are, this almost never works. We believe we aren’t like others or we know better or our situation doesn’t match to the person who is sharing, not realizing no matter what, we are all humans and psychology exists because patterns of behavior exist. No judgement here as I’m just as guilty -even when I can see the train coming, I stay on the tracks until I’m under it.
When my wreck happened in 2021, I had never experienced that level of loss -and I’ve been through some shit in my time. No matter how much was taken, my sense of identity always remained intact -except that time. That time only my actual life was spared. Everything else was stripped away. I was fifty years old and had to begin from absolute scratch.
So how does this relate to marriage and retirement? For working parents who have kids, they’ve spent their lives building their identity through their career and parenthood. When the kids leave, they feel that empty nest, but when they retire, they have nothing left associated with all they’ve known their entire adult life.
They have no kids at home to parent and if their kids are in their 20’s parental contact is limited because the kids are trying to figure out who they are and becoming more independent. When the parents retire, suddenly a lifetime of being “X” no longer applies. You wake up with no kids to manage and no job to go to. It’s just you and your spouse with no more distractions between you.
The idea of not having to go to a job I didn’t care for greatly appealed to me… For the first little bit. Much like a vacation, it’s all fun and games until the newness wears off and you have to return to real life – but now real life is nothing like it used to be. When the newness wears off, nothing has changed. Life outside your house goes on while you have found yourself in limbo. It takes a minute to really set in, but when the full weight falls upon your shoulders, it can feel crushing.
I sat in a void for years before I could gather myself enough to accept that things would never be the same and I had to find a way to move on. It’s been five years and I still have to remind myself that there’s no time limit on whatever I do. The anxiety connected to “I have to get this done before I go back to work” doesn’t exist. Even fully knowing I don’t have anywhere to report to doesn’t override a lifetime of working five days a week.
Two people who have spent their adult lives being defined by their career and childcare will wake up one day and have neither. Who they are is no more. The loss will feel significant.
As of 2026, roughly 40% of all divorces involve people over 50. The underlying reasons range from simply being together 24/7, to different hobbies, life goals, or even basic interests. Neither of you are the person you once were but neither of you were able to pay attention to the changes because you were busy with kids and a career.
My best advice? Do not wait till retirement to:
Search for your hobbies/interests/activities.
Sit down with your partner and discuss each other’s plans for retirement. What do you want to do together? Independently?
Get to know each other again. Dinner for two at the table with no distractions. Date night. The person you are today is not the person you were when you met each other.
Accept this is going to happen no matter who you are, the color of your skin, the foundation of your religion. Psychology is psychology. Human nature is human nature. You can invest in your marriage now or wait until you’re on the downward spiral and managing damage control.
You’ve invested so much in what you have at this moment of your life, don’t risk throwing it all away because there’s more comfort in denial and procrastination. It’s much easier to gain traction on level ground than when you’re being dragged downhill.
