Baulderon’s Gate -An Intense Dream

For most of my life, the dreams I have experienced were unremarkable. From time to time, there would be one that stood out, but most of the time I woke without any recollection of the night before.

The wreck in 2021 changed that. My dreams became intense. Memorable. Almost jarring at times. At one point I drove myself to a nervous breakdown from refusing to sleep due to the nightmares I repeatedly had.

To understand the overall impact of this dream, I need to share 2 points about myself.

1. One of my love languages is sex/sexual intimacy. Due to this, I have found myself in two failed marriages after believing I was in love with them simply because they were unhinged in the bedroom. What I viewed as love, they used as tools/weapons of manipulation and destruction.
2. I have a deep desire to save/rescue emotionally isolated/damaged women. (Goth women are a huge weakness because they visually advertise their trauma -no guesswork.)

For the past two nights, I have spiraled down the rabbit hole of emotionally heightened dreams -almost to the point of being nightmares. The first one had to do with my 2nd wife and her pet abandonment that I continue to harbor guilt for being unable to change. This post isn’t about that one -but it did leave me a little raw and vulnerable for what transpired last night. Painted from within the depths of my deepest consciousness.

Due to the complexities of the underlying details with the job, environment, and mixed locations, I’m going to reduce them to more flat, unimportant details that were only relevant to me.

“I am a Phoenix. Damsels in distress are the catalyst of my immolation. The degree of pain within the flames is incomparable to any other form of excitement within life itself. Once my life is ash, I begin to rebuild… Searching for the next ignition source.“

The dream opened with my return to a previous employer. It was the middle of the day and I had left for lunch. I have no idea why, but I went to a local mall in order to visit the food court. Of all the places I could’ve chosen, I have no clue as to why I’d choose mediocre, overpriced food -but hey, it was a dream.

While at the mall, I became lost. None of the stores looked familiar. When I walked outside to find my car, I discovered that I had somehow switched malls and was at a completely different one than I originally drove to. With no other option, I called an Uber so they could drive me to my car. By now, I was beginning to panic because my lunch was over and I was nowhere near my car. Work was even further. I was going to be extremely late returning to work and I had just returned -not a good look for me.

Before I realized it, I was in the car -which in itself was strange. The driver sat in the middle of the car. I was on their right side. Another passenger was on his left. All three of us were unusually close, yet somehow had plenty of room to move around and the driver appeared to be comfortable with the amount of space he had to operate the car.

As we made our way to what I believed was my car, all three of us chatted about everyday topics -nothing special. I asked about his car and all the cool tech I noticed inside. He educated me on all the displays and readouts the car had. This dream took place in today’s time, but the car appeared to be futuristic in nature -to which he assured me it was at least 10 years old… (Not important to the dream itself, simply another oddity in a dream that was warming me up to what was ahead.)

Once I looked out the window, I can only describe what I saw as us driving inside buildings -more precisely, some sort of community living spaces. People of all types living and sleeping in barracks style accommodations. The rooms these beds were in had been painted and designed with a myriad of artwork and self expression. Naturally, I was confused as to how our route was going to get me to my car -maybe a shortcut I was unfamiliar with? A scenic route? My anxiety climbed, but my curiosity quickly matched its pace. I decided to remain quiet and see where the road we were on led us.

Baulderon’s Gate

Some time later, the driver pulled into an enormous building decorated to resemble a theater -advising us that he needed to stop for a moment. We disembarked from the car. In no time, I found myself aimlessly wandering through the building admiring all embellishments on the ceilings and walls. The entire structure was a work of art. It was full of people adorned in vibrant colors and excessive clothing. Outfits made for stage and screen, yet being worn as daily wear. The people adorning them were not actors nor were they acting like historic characters. They were going about life as though everything was normal (Except this was 2026, not millenniums ago.)

Eventually I found myself in a completely different area of the building… One that immediately hung me over the edge of psychological compromise. I battled within my mind. Half wanted to stay and investigate. The other half screamed that I needed to leave immediately.

You see, I found a room full of overflowing positive energy… Overflowing. Positive. Intimate. Sexual energy. Everyone in the room was fully dressed, but they were touching each other very gently, with care and respect, from head to toe.

Porn refers to it as Free to use. This was like that, just not as raunchy and self-serving as the popular version. When one person touched another, the love and care was visible. I was surprised to find myself unbothered by their behavior. To be honest, it appealed to me a great deal. There was no judgement on size, color, shape. It wasn’t a free-for-all, but those who were attracted to to one another were openly intimate. There were no overtly sexual acts being displayed. Once it came to that, people covered themselves up under blankets or within huge costumes that could conceal two people.

In the back of my mind I really wanted to stay… but I still had work on my mind. I had just returned to work and did not want to risk being fired… And. yet… I was enthralled by what was taking place before me.

I continued to find a reason to go. They relentlessly encouraged me to stay or found ways to distract me. People in various costumes invited me into their group. A beautiful woman wearing a white wig with her face painted in white walked over to me. Her outfit was a visually stunning piece that appeared to be a newer version of a 1700’s ball gown. She pushed me back onto a couch, then leaned towards me. As she closed the distance between our faces, the back of her outfit came up and over her head -like a cape, but with structure to prevent it completely resting on our heads. Once it had isolated us from the outside world, I stared into her eyes. An immediate calmness consumed my existence. I could sense her inside my mind calming my anxiety. She never spoke a word, yet I could hear her inside my head. I could only focus on her deep, dark eyes and her perfectly shaped red lips approaching mine. She lightly kissed me. A desire ignited inside my stomach. I wanted more. A life-or-death desire to touch her lips again. She moved away. I pursued. Seeing my reaction, she smiled and reengaged. Our lips touched again -passionately… lovingly. This kiss lasted much longer. Tongue tips that lightly greeting each other through partially opened mouths. The electricity in that exchange could have powered the building we were in for a day.

Again, she pulled away. Once again, I followed. This time she smiled, placed her finger to my lips. I somehow automatically knew what she meant. That I was to be for someone else… For another? No one there knew me. I had no idea the place I was visiting even existed. How could I be meant for anyone in such a place? Regardless, our curtain was raised and she slowly eased away and disappeared into the crowd. I should have been saddened by her departure, but now I was curious. Little did I know this was merely the warmup for what was to come.

I made my way around the room continuing to look for the driver who had brought me to such a place. I had so many questions -One being when they were going to take me back to my car so I could return to work.

After inquiring with most of the crowd, someone informed me that the person who brought me had left long ago. Glancing at my phone, I realized hours had passed. Even if I could get back to my car, my employer would be closed long before I got back. With no other options, I decided to say “fuck it” and deal with it when I returned to work the next day… But I still needed to get back to my car. I asked several guests if anyone would be willing to take me. Zero interest was expressed with leaving the group for any amount of time -which I couldn’t argue with, but made my situation that much more concerning.

Next thing I know, I found myself in a smaller, more private room with a group of people I had become somewhat familiar with… From what seemed like thin air, a figure appeared before me. My greatest weakness. The dream itself stood still. In a gunpowder flash, unavoidable doom mixed with endless desire infused into the blood coursing through my veins.

Pale complexion. Black hair. Dark eyes I could never identify the color of, but could see the ingredients that I am addicted to. Mystery. Pain. Emotional instability. Life defined through intimate contact. A face like no other that I can still see even in my waking hours.

I am a Phoenix. Damsels in distress are the catalyst of my immolation. The degree of pain within the flames is incomparable to any other form of excitement within life itself. Once my life is ash, I begin to rebuild… Searching for the next ignition source. Without immolation my life often feels empty and without purpose.

No words were spoken at first. We communicated through touching. Kissing. Caressing. The more contact I had with her skin, the more intoxicated I became. In those moments, nothing else mattered -not my car, my job, my life outside the bubble we had formed around us.

She went down on me. Me on her. These were just brief moments -nothing went to completion. We were bonding in the only way we were familiar with. Everything felt perfect -and in the back of my mind that scared the living hell out of me. The level of “fit” she had with me would blind my senses to the underlying/oncoming knife that would eventually find its way into my back and chest.

But you see, being aware of it and stopping it are two entirely different things. You have a better chance of stopping a 48k pound truck sliding across pure ice than you do of even slowing this process. Stopping it never enters the conversation. I know better.

For the rest of the night, she and I lightly hugged, kissed, shared brief oral exchanges, held each other -but never engaged in the act of traditional sex. From time to time, I noticed others doing the same. There was no penetration of any sort -only petting/caressing. The energy in the room was almost unbearable, but in a good way. So much love filled the air.

Eventually, we took a break. That’s when she disappeared on me. I was confused so I began searching -just before I rounded a corner, I recognized her voice from the other side. She was speaking with another female but I was unable to decipher what was being said… So I quietly approached from an angle that would allow me to listen in. Normally, I would feel guilty about eavesdropping, but this was far from normal circumstances. I had no idea who she was. I didn’t even know her name -yet I felt completely bonded to her. As though we had been together before…maybe in a previous life.

Their conversation was about me. Specifically the intensity of her emotions towards me. She continued to resist the idea that she could be in love with a person she knew nothing about. That’s when the woman she was speaking with told her that I was the one she was meant to be with. Her claim left both of us speechless.

*Then I woke up*