Death Visited Me With A Message

It’s hard to explain what I’m about to share, but I’ll do my best… I hope the message gets through -either as I intended or as you need to interpret in hopes of finding your own peace.

I woke up on the couch at 3am last night, as I usually do. The cats were sleeping in their normal spots. Chakra was in the recliner she claims as hers. Cleopatra was up in what I call her sniper’s nest just under the ceiling. My s/o was in her room sawing logs. I had an aquarium video running on Youtube. All was peaceful.

I sat up and dinked around on my phone till 3:33am. It was at this time I had a feeling wash over me. It began at my crown and flowed down over me with the consistency of what I figure melted chocolate might feel if poured from above. (I’ve never actually felt it. My kink only goes so far)

How can I describe this without sounding morbid…… It was as though death reached out and shrouded me within its cloak of darkness. At first, I didn’t understand. I thought maybe it was death coming to take me. I’ve battled with thoughts of suicide most of my life. The past 4 years have been the hardest, bar-none. I’ve never taken the final steps due to the fear of something going awry and failing (Not to brag, but I’m a bit of a professional at failure). That I would be stuck in a vegetative state -trapped between death and an uncommunicative state of existence. Hell on Earth.

A gentle calmness swept over me. I wasn’t afraid. I was ready. It was ok. I had told my s/o goodnight and that I loved her. My kitties were with me. I had no loose ends to tie up. No words that I could think of that were left unsaid. I had money in the bank to cover my funeral expenses so I would not be a financial burden to those left behind.

If Death’s hand swept me away, how great would that be? It was a sure thing. No guess work. No chance of backfire. An express pass to the next stage/life/existence…

I could be finished with this failure of a life I do not understand now, nor have I ever.

The feeling left… and yet I remained. I was not taken. It was 3:34am and I was still on the couch. Everything just as it was before the experience began. Nothing had changed… except the peace of mind I had been given. Talk about confused.

After my s/o went to work, I spent the rest of the day on the couch meditating for hours. I put no expectations out. Just waited for an answer.

To be honest, I’m not 100% certain what I’m going to share is the actual message, but it’s what I have for now so until I hear otherwise, I’ll consider this to be it.

Since the wreck, anxiety, uncertainty, and depression have overflowed my mind. Will I ever work again? Will my disability ever be granted before my money runs out? Will I always be a financial and emotional drag on my s/o? Walk normal? Not reach for a Klonopin at the thought of going out in public? Lose the weight I’ve gained from being inactive? Stand up without feeling dizzy? Be useful for more than a couple hours a day? Wake without most of my body hurting… on and on… Believe me, there’s more. So much more.

Here’s the answer I received. What will be, will be. This life is a gift we have been given. Love it or hate it, it was a gift -and depending on who you ask, a gift we asked for. We chose to be here. For the experience of what it means to be human.

No matter what our differences are, every single living thing on Earth has two things in common. The gift of life and eventually, a life that will be taken away. Whether you believe in fate, destiny, or chaos – everything ends at some point. (Except roaches and plastics) Neither the Sun nor Earth can escape this finality.

We are dying from the moment we are born. Science says we are the only beings on the planet that are aware of our mortality – humanity knows we have an expiration date. That all other creatures live unaware that even if they escape predators, there’s an eventual end. Parents provide. Babies play. Everyone dies. The circle of life continues. Nature’s creatures live every single day as if it were their last -unaware that it could be.

A male lion does not wake up every day worried about the “what if”. With all the dangers in the world he lives in, he would be rendered useless from the anxiety. That does not mean the hyenas that loom on the horizon go unseen or the other male lions that seek to unseat his rule roam freely among his females. If tested, he responds accordingly. He remains ruler or he doesn’t. He kills the hyenas or they kill him. (spoiler alert: male lions often kill hyenas for no other reason than pure hatred)

The only thing that would come from worrying about the hyenas and other male lions is the time that is robbed away from mating, eating, or taking a nap under a nice shade tree – the things that add to the quality of life, not degrade them.

Life, death, grief, depression, anxiety, financial obligations, parental duties, conflict, opinions, perspectives, adultery, deception, liars… The list is as long as the universe is vast….. and almost all of them are choices we choose to make… or not make.

Problem: I lost my job right after buying a house.
Results: House foreclosed. Forced to give up pet.
Solution: Lived in the house with no electricity or running water. Shared food and water with my pup till I found him a home.
Lessons learned: Do not trust head hunters. Don’t sleep with the women the CEO’s son want… And life went on.

Problem: 2nd wife cheated on me
Results: Divorce and forced to give up the company I helped build.
Solution: Bought a Harley, went back to school, slept with my psych professor, sabotaged ex-wife’s new relationship, married a woman twice as hot who had kids (ex had to give hers up)
Lessons learned: You can’t make a whore a housewife. Sleeping with my psych professor did have its benefits even if she was fucking crazy… And life went on.

Problem: 3rd wife cheated on me.
Results: divorce, loss of most possessions, forced to move.
Solution: moved home, started over.
Lessons finally learned: I make poor marital choices. Don’t marry her just because she’s significantly hotter than the wife that cheated on you and your ex will hate that fact… And life went on.

Problem: Hit head-on while riding Harley.
Results: Lost job, motorcycle, quality of life, sense of identity.
Solution: Stopped trying to be something I was never meant to be, forced to look in the mirror, making amends for the mistakes I had yet to atone for, others are still in progress…
Lessons You can never prepare for what you don’t see coming. Some things are beyond our control.

For every problem, there is a solution. For every solution, there is a lesson. No matter what happens, life goes on… or it doesn’t. If it doesn’t, then there’s nothing left to worry about. Otherwise, everything else is optional.

Death is the only wall in life you hit. Everything else is an obstacle meant to test and teach.