Walking in Multiple Worlds. Existing in None.

How far would you go to escape pain, depression, and feelings of worthlessness?

Would you break your doctor’s orders?
Would you change your prescribed med dosages?
Would you knowingly split each month equally between happiness and depression instead of all 4 weeks filled with the gray clouds of uncertainty?

Because that’s where I have found myself.

I have created two worlds I am capable of walking in; however consistent existence in either manifestation is unsustainable for long periods.

In one world, I am significantly more capable than usual, even with the physical parameters I am required to operate within. I have drive and dedication. I care for myself and my s/o. I am productive… but can only maintain this for two weeks at a time due to certain restrictions.

The other instance is generated while managing the withdrawal period that follows what I mentioned above. It’s not uncommon for me to sleep 18+ hours a day. While asleep, I live in a fictional world unrestricted by physical injuries and psychological barriers. It’s a place where I am happy -even if the dream itself encompasses people from my past that have undesirable memories attached to them. I drive fast cars, see exotic places, and live in a world of adventure. If I could choose to never leave, I wouldn’t.

My normal, medicated self is the baseline, but also the least favorable of all. The only thing taking place here is existence itself. There’s no motivation. No happiness. Nothing but floating along in the ether waiting for the day to end – distracted by the amount of effort it takes to stay alive.

Am I going about things the wrong way? Is what I’m doing only going to cause more harm in the grand scheme of things?

As I sit in my recliner under a weighted blanket with both arms going numb, 10mg of oxycodone in my system (which I hate), a lidocaine patch on my back, and the inability to stand upright -which just happened out of nowhere today… I can state that there comes a time where it no longer matters… And that’s where I have arrived.

I’d rather live 10 years as happy and comfortable as I know how to make myself instead of 20-30 years wandering around aimlessly hoping one day things might get better while watching myself continue to deteriorate.