In the Fall of 2023, I left the home I felt trapped in with the intent to commit suicide somewhere in either Washington or Oregon. I hadn’t drawn out the entire plan and felt no need to. I knew what I was doing and I knew where I was doing it. I felt anything more than that was being a little too meticulous. Besides, I lived my life by the seat of my pants. No need to get all organized right at the end.
After a series of setbacks from Amtrak that could only be described as cartoonish in nature, I found myself distracted from my mission and almost violently angry towards the train company. Not only had my life not turned out anything like I had planned, my death had also somehow gone off the rails.
How did it go overall?
- I spent more time in the air than I did on the rails
- I was gone for a month
- I spent almost $9,000 USD (3x what I had budgeted)
- It was neither a death march nor a vacation
- I came home angrier than when I left, but poorer
Was blinding rage the only way to distract me from ending my life before I was supposed to? Because I’ll be honest, it worked. If I was going to go out, I refused to do so on anyone’s terms but my own and the absolute shit show I was experiencing made for certain that wasn’t the case. Well after I passed the two states I planned to end it in, the punishment continued and did not stop until I made it home.
The anger and hatred towards Amtrak gave me focus for several months after the trip. Suicide never completely left my mind, but also never came back to the degree I had considered it before.
Was my life worth nine thousand dollars? No, but that’s how much I spent to keep it.
Off The Rails 
I still can’t imagine the Amtrak fiasco. It was not the death train you envisioned, actually spared your life.
With that amount you could’ve gone anywhere in the world and had a cool vacation 😁.
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I know. I’ve wrestled with the fact that I lost so much money, but yet it saved my life. There were very few positives about the trip overall.
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