My immediate answer was a no-brainer. Easily my late 20’s. I never ran more wide open and free than in those years. Almost all of the true life stories I’ve shared on my blog were from that time period.
Once I began to write, I found the answers that made their way onto the screen to be a lot different than the hedonism and good times that sparked my initial response.
Rather than confront my wife for cheating right away, would I implement the plan I had devised after it was too late?
Would I have kept all the adult oriented photo and video footage I had collected with her over the years for future leverage?
Would I have exposed the terrible people both she and her brother were in an attempt to get them to take themselves, or each other out, before they destroyed the lives of their own children?
What about the train wreck that was wife #3? Would I have avoided her completely or used what I learned to destroy her before she continued to unleash more damage her own kids?
Would I have avoided everything from my past and made completely different choices? Given my track record, I’d say the answer would be no. I’d just make new mistakes… possibly with even worse results.
The thoughts of self care/preservation/advancement or the consideration of avoiding those I harmed never joined the conversation. That was really kind of f*ked up after I realized what was happening. Why would I focus on making the dark spots in my past lean in my favor rather than just erasing them completely?
If I had to guess, I’d say those moments are gone, but neither forgotten nor forgiven. They burn substantially less, but they will always be sensitive. Until I’m in the grave, the desire for retribution will always weigh on my mind.
Maybe this mindset is the benchmark towards my eventual goal of enlightenment. When there comes a day I would not contemplate any version of payback to those who have willingly wronged me, I’ll be one step closer to finding my internal peace and happiness.
Or maybe I’ll die with those thoughts still embedded in my mind.
Off The Rails 
I say, it’s time to let go.
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