Victory From Within The Abyss

The best advice I can remember receiving was given to myself when a recent transition within my life took place. It changed everything. I know it sounds arrogant, but stick with me here.

This is longer than usual, but if you find yourself struggling with dark thoughts and a life lived in survival mode, I would encourage you to spend the time to read through this.

Being unemployed and disabled for the past three years has given me unlimited time to think -which is always a bad thing for someone who has stayed busy in order to remain one step ahead of his demons.

Unable to run, the horde gathered at my door. What transpired next could be compared to the last seconds before drowning. One moment my head was above water, the next, I couldn’t breathe. Back and forth as the drama unfolded until I either made it to shore… or I gave up and surrender to what waited for me within the pitch black abyss.

After months of treading water with no land in sight, hope was lost. I officially arrived at the lowest point in my life. I gave up. Fighting off suicide was over. I made plans to end it all. After a sequence of events that was best described as “you couldn’t make this shit up”, even that plan had taken a detour.

I could not live my life the way I wanted.
I could not end my life the way I wanted.

What the hell was I supposed to do?

All known avenues of escape were exhausted. I said f*k it and stopped trying to get better. I also stopped making plans to harm myself. I no longer looked towards the future and accepted my existence within the pitch black abyss. I would float in the ether and do battle with my demons until one of us killed the other.

It was within that emptiness I eventually uncovered a world of untapped self discovery… beyond my wildest expectations. It took over a year to reach this epiphany and initiate the process of unraveling a lifetime of psychological damage.

Right up until a few weeks ago, I had lived my entire life in only one mode – Survival. From the moment I was born, I was taught that life was only about survival. Once I left home for the military, I did my best to apply those skills. After all, I was on my own so survival was my only option.

Over the next few years I continued to rinse and repeat – failure, survival, recovery… failure, survival, recovery… I had a desire to achieve more but I was so busy “surviving” that any efforts made towards that goal were quickly labeled as a distraction and risked everything.

Eventually I stopped enjoying holidays, birthdays, vacations and for the most part, relationships. Those were all expenses that drained money I would need to save myself if my life disintegrated -which it did rather routinely. Most of the women I chose did not help matters.

In 2021 a catastrophic event brought my mental and physical health to an abrupt halt. It broke me in precise ways so that I would be forced to either fix what was wrong or remain in the darkness forever.

After my wreck, everything changed. For the first time in my life I was completely helpless. I had lost the ability to work, to walk, to function normally. My deepest, darkest fear was brought to life. I was completely at the mercy of my s/o. Even survival was not an option. I was physically unable to walk, much less run away… trapped in a bed.

It was her dedication to me that eventually changed my life in more ways than I can account for. Her and her family cared for me without pause, hesitation, or expectation. They banded together in an effort to help us both. All of this behavior was completely foreign to me. I felt like the dog who had been feral so long that their response did not compute with my own logic. Do I stay? Run? Bite the hand that feeds me for fear of what’s in their other hand?

Eventually I accepted the kindness offered, but that manifested a new problem – being unworthy of it. No money. No ability for physical labor. My mind was mostly unavailable. Life debts I could never repay were accumulating.

Old demons spawned new demons. Their shadows combined to block out out any remaining light I had clung to.

This was where what I mentioned above took place – floating in the abyss, unable to find a reason to live and denied in an over-the-top manner the one opportunity I had devised to end it all.

From nothingness spawned random ideas. A few months ago one of them worked and allowed me to catch a glimpse of a life that might have been possible. Due to circumstances beyond my control, it slipped away. After some drama with my care providers, everything was sorted out. I then began to trace my steps back towards what I had previously experienced.

Maybe two weeks after that, a major psychological shift took place. I began to manage the household with a new vigor. I looked forward to waking up. I was proactive with daily tasks so my s/o did not have to constantly remind me. The dread of daily existence no longer haunted me.

To over simplify what took place – For the first time in the entirety of my existence, I realized what life was like outside survival mode. I remember thinking, “So this is what normal feels like? Finding enjoyment in daily routine and caring for the welfare of others?”

The shift was nothing short of life altering. It’s as though the veil had been lifted and the world was viewed in a whole different way.

Although I accept it could be taken away if life yet again goes off the rails, I now see that something other than survival mode is out there to be lived… and it’s worth fighting to get back to.

My advice for anyone fighting to merely exist and has never found a life outside survival mode is this…

In the abyss is where your forest of nightmares will be found. That is where the demons of guilt, insecurity, self doubt, and low self esteem reside and flourish from our self deprecation. It’s not until you have faced them that the path to salvation can be found. It is real. It is there. I literally just found it for myself. Trolls live under bridges. Demons within the darkness. Sometimes even a Balrog.

When you emerge from that abysmal place of never-ending sorrow, you will have stronger armor and better weapons to do battle against those who would harm you, to include yourself.

Winning the fight will not automatically take you out of survival mode, but the lessons you learned within the darkness will help change your perspective on the outside. You will find logic and ration on your side.

If you’re unsure of what mode you’re in, ask yourself how much dread and anxiety fills your daily life? The difference can be found by comparing dislike to dread. I’m not a fan of chores, but I no longer dread doing them. I do not like staying home every day, but I no longer dread getting up because there are things around the house that need to be done in order to support the person who sacrificed so much to help me in my greatest time of need.

Demons have unlimited patience, stamina and never stop growing. You can either spend your life running from them or turn and fight…

Until you choose to face them, you are living your life for the demons that haunt you. That’s no life at all. It’s merely existing in survival mode.

Make peace. It’s the only way you get to live life for yourself.