Reality Vs Conditioned Response

This will likely be a longer than usual post because it’s a very complicated maze of emotional trauma and underlying personal matters, most of which I do not wish to share at this time -but you’ll get the idea by the end.

Although I don’t state it outright, except for this instance, what bothers me is when a situation triggers a response from me and I have to try and decipher what is real and what is a conditioned response based on my past.

I’m posting this to begin with in hopes that others who experience their own events which trigger their past traumatic experiences have the presence of mind to step back and think before they overreact and/or do something they cannot undo. When we are caught in the moment, we’re often blinded to the underlying reason we are lashing out -until it’s manifested and we have to try and perform damage control and even backpedal. (Although accountability isn’t in fashion at the moment)

Most of my life, I have exhibited 3 types of behavior – 60% Calm under most circumstances, 40% Hammy the squirrel from the movie Over The Hedge when I find something shiny and exciting… and the less common, 10% emotional outrage. (Yeah, I was never good at math)

Years ago it took a great deal for that last one to step up to the plate. But that was then…

This past Saturday I lashed out on social media and included the establishment which triggered the emotion; however, rather than continue my tirade when people asked for the complete story, I chose to step back and cool off before I continued venting.

Once I was home, I recounted the entire story to my s/o. She’s my anchor and always offers alternative points of view when it comes to situations like this. She knows my past in great detail and has the ability to get me to question my reaction and how it relates to the reality of the situations I find myself in. We often serve as the devil’s advocate for each other.

Here’s the story.

I have a young friend I am quite attached to. For the purposes of this story, I’ll call her Nemah. Our friendship was unexpected and is very unorthodox -yet here we are.

Nemah is not from this country. She is a medical student attempting to eventually move to the US to work in Neurology. A few weeks ago Nemah was granted rotations in a city not far from where I live. I made plans to drive down and spend the day showing her around the city she was in.

Where she was working would not be considered a culturally open-minded area. I was concerned for her mental health as she had already experienced various forms of prejudice with her peers and had almost no one else from her culture in her immediate area to associate with.

About Nemah… She’s a very tall, very pretty, Muslim woman. She has a warm and beautiful smile. She is kind and friendly to everyone she comes into contact with. It was through our friendship that I learned much about Muslim faith and how culture and religion are not the same thing. Just as with Christianity, there are radicals who distort the teachings in order to favor their agenda.

It’s nothing like what the media has sensationalized for profit. Far from it.

At the end of our day of activities, there was one more place I had on the list. Nemah had an interest in riding a motorcycle at some point in her adult life. She’s a thrill-seeker in her own way.

In the interest of making new memories, I took her to a familiar stomping ground -a local Harley-Davidson dealership.

Conflicting thoughts have now entered the conversation.

Based on where we were, I knew our visit could be met in a variety of ways by both customers and staff. I had admired this specific dealership for many years -and wanted to work for them at one point. Additionally, their Marketing Manager was of non-white descent if memory serves me. I believed it was our best option for a positive experience… At least that’s what I thought.

No sooner than we emerged from the car, the long looks began. Not a word was said, but none were required. Once inside, a group of staff members were to our right. They were well within what I would consider the area of initial customer engagement.

Opportunity #1
No greeting. Not a word was muttered in our direction. We walked right past them, almost within arm’s reach.

Opportunity #2
I escorted Nemah around the showroom floor and we talked about motorcycles. She had no idea about any of them or what the different styles were about. I began talking with my hands in an exaggerated manner in hopes one of the staff would be curious and come over to break the ice.

Nope.

Nemah happily continued to look at all the cool stuff unaware of what I was purposely doing. We advanced past the showroom, still with no response from staff. (All but maybe one or two were free so it wasn’t as though they were too busy to offer a simple greeting.)

Opportunity #3
Next area entered. Not a word from any direction. Eventually, she excused herself to visit the restroom. I waited to move in order to put distance between us. My plan was to be far enough back that onlookers would not associate me with her -a tall, young, Arabic woman wearing a head cover would not easily be matched to an older guy wearing a Harley-Davidson button up. I wanted to see how people reacted to her presence without my accompaniment.

Opportunity #4
Sadly, it wasn’t just in my head. As she made her way through the back half of the store, and passed right by a counter with two employees standing there doing nothing, not a word was spoken to her. Although their eyes did follow her movement as they exchanged low volume comments. Once I stepped into view, their eyes looked away and the chatter immediately ceased.

Something noteworthy did happen though – The same staff who had just ignored her, spoke to me. It was a simple “Can I help you” but at least it was something.

While waiting, I began to compose a social media post about our visit. Due to its rather colorful nature, I optioned to wait until we left before tapping the publish button. I needed to give the dealership every chance available to redeem themselves. I wanted to be wrong.

Once Nemah returned from the restroom, our visit was at an end. We navigated back through the dealership. This meant eventually walking right back through the gauntlet of salesmen and staff.

Opportunity #5
Once among the bikes, Nemah stopped our advancement and began asking more questions. Again, I answered with hand gestures and all sorts of body language that indicated we were discussing the motorcycles.

Nothing.

Opportunity #6
Right before we walked out the front door, Nemah stopped a final time. She was curious about the big Tri-Glide by the entrance. She asked questions about how passengers rode, how they hung on and could stay in the seat without falling off. I obliged by pointing out the seat curvature and metal handles by where her thighs would be. Our pause was maybe a minute or two in length.

Nothing… standing less than 10 feet from us.

We left… Not a goodbye or thanks for coming in. We exited the same way we entered -with not a single person caring we stopped by.

I guess they were consistent in that respect.

I hoped they would greet a young Muslim woman and welcome her into the lifestyle with open arms. Even if they were unsure of speaking to her or shaking her hand, I was standing right by her side and we were obviously together. They could have easily made some sort of effort.

They were given 6 opportunities to make an impact and had failed.

Before our feet touched the parking lot, I opened social media and published my post. The dealership was tagged so my experience would show up on their page for others to see. I was in complete outrage. Nemah still had no idea. I kept her out of it because I did not wish to impact her visit. I wanted an overall pleasant experience for her.

Within minutes, the GM of the dealership responded to my public post and asked for additional information. He also direct messaged me to inquire.

His message – not even an opening apology -hollow or honest – “We apologize for the less than satisfactory visit you had… yada, yada, yada…” He just made a request for more information.

Naturally, the message threw copious amounts of gas on the fire and by that time, I realized I was in that psychological gray area where my response could have had more to do with my personal distaste for the brand due to my previous experiences rather than just the specific situation itself.

I replied to the GM and advised I’d be back in touch once I had a moment to regain my composure.

Once home, I spoke at-length with my s/o about it. She offered various points of view, none of which I’ll share here. Although they did have a level of validation, they’re easy responses for people to come up with to excuse and hide their prejudices and I’m not about to help them do so.

Here’s the guts of it all. When in retail, especially commissioned sales, you engage until you’re asked not to or body language dictates your next course of action. Everyone who comes through the door is welcomed. Every customer who walks out the door, even if they are empty handed, is thanked for their visitation. It’s about the generation of a consistent, positive, experience. Word gets around -good or bad… 10 times as fast when it’s bad.

For the 121 year old motorcycle corporation, it’s also about breaking the stigma of bikers and their franchised dealerships. As expected, once I explained my post to Nemah, she admitted she was a bit scared and intimidated by all the bikers there -the tattoos, vests, patches, etc… That is a very uncommon sight where she’s from. It goes without saying, the lifestyle was set back yet again. As for the visit itself, she said she was used to it over here so it didn’t bother her that much. She still enjoyed the experience.

Would she have ever gone in without me? Not a chance. Would she go back alone? LOL No.

The staff had an opportunity to educate Nemah on the riding school they offer as well as discover she will be a neurologist once she is at her full time position stateside. That means she could easily cash-out any bike she wanted from their showroom. Nemah may be young, but she already has most of her future planned out and is well on track for success in life in total.

A win for the brand, the dealership, the biker community, and for female riders – all vaporized within a 20 minute visitation. Completely? Probably not. She’s a very forgiving young lady and has a real curiosity about riding; however an impression was certainly made. The wrong one.

The fact the brand I once avidly represented on multiple levels failed me before my eyes dipped our entire experience in a little extra FU sauce. I was ashamed I once represented the bar and shield. Failure by association.

No matter how balanced or unbalanced my reaction was – Had a different road been chosen by the dealership at the very beginning, an alternate outcome would have manifested. Five to ten seconds of courtesy, real or fake, would have generated a completely different experience.

As for those like me managing psychological external triggers – remember that we may not be able to control the triggering experience itself, but we can control how we react and that’s what defines us to those in our presence.

The referees rarely see the first sucker punch, but they always see what happens next. That’s important to remember if you desire to not be labeled as the unstable aggressor. Keep yourself in check. Don’t allow them to make themselves out to be the victim because of your REaction.

Businesses are not above gaslighting in order to prevent public outcry. I know because it was once my responsibility to handle these exact situations. Forward complaints to management, translate their response, minimize the problem, mitigate the damage.