Fractures Lenses

When I was a teen, I strongly believed in sex before marriage. There was never a more passionate topic I discussed than the idea that sex before marriage was the only right answer. The idea of waiting till marriage to experience your partner intimately was so ridiculous that I wouldn’t even consider the opposite side of the debate. Because “What if they suck? Then you’re stuck with them.” I can still vouch for that argument because I’ve come across girls who were just naturally bad at it with no hope of improvement. I’ve also encountered women who simply had different desires than I did.

I mean, what if you invested all that time in developing the relationship and planning your future together just to discover, on your wedding night, that you are completely incompatible with each other. I was not prepared to “stick with it” in hopes of maybe one day things would work out. I was waaaay too curious and excited about the possibilities.

It’s taken me half a century to understand the other side of the conversation.

A year ago I met a young lady half my age from a completely different race/religion/culture/etc. She could not be more opposite of me if I were to create a woman in a lab with the intent of her being completely opposite of me.

We’ve become very close. I have been a source of guidance and support for her. She’s been a source of enlightenment and inspiration for me.

She is what I would consider an extreme conservative person of her faith. Not only does she abide by their core beliefs, she has chosen to follow the strictest version of them in order to be the best representative of her faith possible. Knowing what she has to sacrifice in order to follow that path makes me admire her tremendously for her choices -especially surrounded by people who choose the live much more liberally than she does.

This young lady has vowed to never allow another man to touch her or even see her hair until he is her husband. She will remain unseen and unsullied until her wedding night.

The younger version of me would have been extremely intrigued for choosing to remain so loyal to that part of her faith. I wouldn’t have made fun of her, but knowing me back then, I would’ve desperately tried to convince her to break her vow… Knowing what I was capable of back in the day, there was a good chance I would’ve achieved some level of success. People who knew me back in the day would tell you – I didn’t have lines I wouldn’t cross. Married? Engaged? Lesbian? I saw women of different cultures like a fat kid sees the 31 flavors at Baskin Robbins… Challenge accepted.

After a lifetime of deviant conquests, I can say that I have ruined myself for a normal sex life. As far as porn goes, it either bores me because it’s the same stuff over and over, or disgusts me from how the women are treated.

Like drug addicts and adrenaline junkies… You develop a tolerance. If you fly a fighter jet for years, there’s no way a Cessna is going to excite you the same way. A fat blunt isn’t going to move the needle after a lifetime of 8-balls.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not about whips, dips, chains, and whips, although I have dabbled in it as well as witnessed BDSM acts in person. I’m not into anything extreme, but I’m far from normal.

Well, it just so happens that intimacy is also my love language. Physical touch and intimacy is one of only 2 ways I’ve been able to successfully convey my true feelings to the person I’m with – and due to psychological damage, prescription drugs, and sexual history, I am almost completely numb to it. Because I have no job, the other type of love language I know is rendered unavailable. (gift giving/not gift receiving) I am lost and unable to consistently communicate through my only known and recognized languages.

Which brings me back to my friend. When she marries, her husband will be the only male that will ever have touched her in any way. She will never have had the opportunity to be influenced by other sexual encounters. He will be her whole world.

To those of us on the other side, we see the pros and cons of this… But having the past I’ve had and what it’s done to me, I can see why the path she’s chosen would actually be a better one.

With that being said, because it’s only meant for the females of their religion to remain pure, I believe it’s more about control and submission than the chances for a mutually happy marriage, but no matter what, I see how a clean resume makes for a more fulfilling life together.

Because intimacy is removed from the equation until marriage, it cannot cloud their judgment. They have to get to know each other intellectually first. Sex cannot be used as a tool or weapon of manipulation, which has happened in my past. I knew my 2nd wife was bisexual before our first date, but it took me 5 years to know she was bilingual.

If you believe your past transgressions do not influence the experience you have with your current partner, you’re lying to yourself. We carry that baggage with us through life… and it continues to stack up over time.

The big question is – knowing what I know now, would I change the amount of partners and experiences I’ve had since losing my virginity all those decades ago?

I want to say it would have… But given where I’m at mentally at the moment, I don’t know.

My advice to any young person who reads this – If you’re someone who wants a family and stable home life, I’d strongly suggest avoiding a promiscuous life. It *can* and *will* set you up for failure with someone who could have been the best life partner you could’ve asked for -just not a deviant behind closed doors.

And girls – It IS possible that your track record has made you so good in bed that you freak the guy out and intimidate him. While it’s true a lot of men love the idea of having a whore in the bedroom, we want to believe you when you say you’ve only been that way with us and no one else. (It’s a lie we tell ourselves so we don’t obsess about where you’ve been and your ability to be loyal)

Everything you do while you are young has a butterfly effect as you age. The sex you have. The lies you tell. The games you play. It all impacts your view of the world as you fight your battles through life. It may take you far while you’re young, but I promise you that those choices will come back.

Cheaters see cheaters. Liars see liars. Cons see cons… And whores see whores.

You don’t have to believe in karma for it to believe in you. Ask me how I know.

Oh, and as for the girl in my story – Aside from already having a s/o I don’t deserve, I see this young lady as too pure for my hands to touch even if I were single and could justify being with a woman half my age. The abrasive touch of battle scarred hands does not belong against the unblemished skin of a young and innocent soul just as she begins her adult life. My selfishness often seems as though it has no bottom, but if I look far enough down, I can sometimes find it.