I’ve spent most of my life discovering what I’m not -usually in a worse-case-scenario kind of way. I’ve led many different lives in many different places.
After 51 years on this big blue marble, the only thing I’m confident of is what I am not.
I am not a good father figure or step-parent. I’ve tried more than a couple times to be that person just to discover I do not have the skills or patience to be that guy. I am too selfish. I do not have the attention span. I most definitely do not have the skillset.
I am not a good significant other or family man. Although I continue to try and have a deep desire to be, the reality is I’m just not that person. My brain is not wired for such things. I prefer solitude. Isolation -only emerging for short public bursts. I struggle just to take care of myself.
I’m not a good yes man or drone. I’m not a liar -although I used to be world class. If you want a friend or employee who says what you want me to say and does what you want me to do without question, I’m sooo not your guy. I do my job as your friend, your peer, your coworker. But if I see dumb shit, I say something – why? Because I’d rather the be asshole who calls you out on it and gets the blame than the guy who is made to look incompetent and still gets the blame because you need a scapegoat.
I’m not a person who can be a consistent friend who stays in touch all the time and always remembers what you’re going through. I’ve tried and lost so many times I’ve just given up that effort as well. With that being said, once I call myself your friend, you can call me at any time, even years later, and I will do my best to be there for you – because communication frequency doesn’t dictate the dedication or sincerity of my friendship.
What I am could be compared to ice cream or theme parks. Regular consumption of ice cream is not healthy. Consistent visits to the same theme park diminishes the experience… for both parties.
…but a big bowl of your favorite flavor when you want it most? Hard to beat.
Spending a whole weekend at your favorite theme park? Unlimited emotionally-tied memories.
When I look back to some of my best memories as well as memories others have of me, what they all have in common is that they are short in duration. A few weeks or months -but never years. Not consistently.
I literally have messages from people who, upon spending a short, intense time with me, made a change in their life because of something they saw in themselves when they were with me.
I feel that is my one redeeming quality. I don’t bullshit people about what I see in them -good or bad. And I encourage/allow them to be themselves with me. There’s no expectations other than honesty.
I am impulsive. I have a short memory.
After the wreck, I have become more immature than ever before. (According to my s/o, who is highly accurate, much to my annoyance)
It’s not that I’m meant to be alone, but often times I feel as though I’m supposed to live alone, surrounded by a network of close-knit people. If I touch one person’s life too often I believe I become a poison because of my inconsistencies. It’s how I’ve always been.
What does that mean for my future? I have no idea at this point. I’m still working through it all.
Off The Rails 