Had you asked me that question a few years ago, I would’ve said nothing. I lived without fear on almost all levels. I had already survived so much at a young age, I felt like there was nothing left for me to be afraid of… So that’s how I lived – recklessly.
In no particular order. Just as they came to me –
Skydiving multiple times
Raced a NASCAR truck
Attended countless professional events/met celebs/athletes
Competed in drag racing
Been an insider to NBA events/galas
Engaged to a NFL HOF’s niece
Worked for a platinum recording artist
Married/divorced multiple times
Moved over 30 times
Lived in multiple states
Been fired from jobs for standing up for myself
Have been in a physical fight for my life / held at gunpoint
Traveled solo across the country alone multiple times
Have been enlisted in 2 different military branches
Had a very active/unusual sex life when I was younger
Briefly co-owned an international business
Been to San Diego Comicon twice / Dragoncon once
Interviewed by Howard Stern Show (wasn’t aired)
Featured on the official Star Wars blog for my cosplay outfit
Been featured in a worldwide documentary about motorcycling
That’s all I can think of for the moment… But that’s enough – Why?
Because none of that matters any longer. Now it feels as though I’m afraid of everything. I feel life continues to pass me by as I sit in pit row waiting for the next broken thing inside of me to either be fixed or raise it’s ugly head as a reminder the old me died on the asphalt 3 years ago and the new me is nothing like the version that was ended back then.
I can’t trust my mind to make the right choices… about anything. I have no motivation because each time I muster up some, it is taken from me by something new.
Yesterday was that new bit of info that robbed me of what I felt like was my first real streak of positive thinking & actions.
Now? I’m like fuck it. What’s the point?
Off The Rails 