Like normal, I woke up around 3-4am. As soon as Chakra heard my commotion, she sauntered into the room and jumped up on the bed for her morning belly rubs and worship session. The ritual commenced with her strolling up to within reach of my face and extending her claws as a warning not to ignore her. My failure to not be conscious enough to recognize her warning, initiated “Project Sadistic Biscuits”. Her preferred area of operations is any exposed skin. She understands sensitive areas receive the best results. It just so happened her favorite location was available – my bare armpit.
At first, she nuzzled my pit like she was just scent marking and loving on me. Her gentle attention put me back to sleep. Within seconds of everything going dark, I felt the biscuit making slowly begin on the covers, about an inch away from my armpit. Her activity kept me in the twilight of slumber. My rational mind was not functional, so I ignored her. A few seconds went by and the kneading crept even closer to me. The impending harm was not recognized due to my state of consciousness so I did nothing. A few more seconds ticked by and the murder mittens slid juuust a little closer. She was in full breakfast biscuit mode by this time. Her fur slightly touched my skin with every knead, but there were no scratchy-bleedy sensations. My mind assured me she would nest down beside me after finding her perfect spot as she almost never does. I foolishly ignored her.
My insolence did not go unpunished. As total darkness approached, the sting of 3 miniature swords slicing their way into my armpit brought me to full attention; however, before I could react, those 3 came out and the other 3 dug in. 6 sadistic biscuits made in an instant. I flinched violently and sat up. Instead of running away, Chakra slowly retracted her claws (she had them spread out as a nice visual for me) as she returned her paw back under where she sat – Eyes partially opened, using her morning judgment expression.
After acknowledging her presence, she returned to my pit and flopped down so that I could get to the belly rubs. We were already behind schedule and I know she doesn’t appreciate being late for her 8 hour sleep and sun-bake in the back room.
You know, there’s something about petting an animal that is calming. So calming in fact that it almost always puts me to sleep. Maybe it’s me. I don’t know, but you put a cat in my lap and I’m usually out within a few minutes. This reaction did not bode well with my little princess. There would be belly rubs until she’s content or there would be violence. When she’s hungry and wants belly rubs, it’s a war of attrition in which she has no equal. Once the rubs stopped abruptly, the choice was made. Violence it would be.
I felt cool little beans with just the slightest touch of pointy business rest against my cheek and slowly drag their way down my skin. I opened my eyes to focus on tortie claws resting against my face, her little head tilted to the side, and those little green saucers looking at me as if to say, “You know how this goes, why must you play games?”
I knew what was next and was not interested in adding another scar. Chakra doesn’t bluff. She’ll do exactly what you think she’ll do. She’ll still love you after she cuts you, but she wants what she wants when she wants it.
I got up and was then escorted to the kitchen, being me-at’ed (me-yæted) at me the entire way. I assumed her constant vocalizations were grievances being filed for starting her day off behind schedule.
After her little pâté cake was served, she had no further need for me. I was permitted to return to my bed unabated while she enjoyed her noms and planned out her sunbathing spot for the rest of the day. All was right in the world.
Off The Rails 