Being disabled and a stay-at-home “house manager” for the past 4 years has generated quite a psychological maze for me to navigate. This has resulted in someone like me, who greatly values self-awareness, extremely unstable and unpredictable -even to myself. What I feel one minute may change radically the next and for reasons I’m not even sure of.
I’ve spend thousands of unrecoverable dollars on shit I don’t need, all because I’m continually reaching out to find a connection to the outside world… or to who I am… or what I am… or what I’m here for… or at this point, anything that makes sense.
Today was a day that I was reminded of something I am, but have long forgotten -not from the wreck directly, but that event definitely did not help matters. Months ago, I met someone through an online sale that is not what I would call “local-minded”. Not only did they move here from well beyond, but they have lived a cultured existence -experiencing many things throughout their lifetime that deepened their intelligence on many levels. While these are amazing traits to have, where he and I now find ourselves living, they are neither common nor openly accepted. Where we live, people are often born, raised, and die within the same boundaries. Adventures beyond the state line are only temporary and most certainly not long enough to understand the world beyond the one they live in.
Where I live, intelligence is a threat. Cultural sensitivity is a weakness. Male empathy causes people to question your sexuality. Non-Christian values are heresy. Being a man outside the boundaries of what men in this area consider the role to be, cannot be understood. Basically, I’m even a stranger in the house I grew up in because I left early in life and gained cultural and life experience. I became an outsider.
Now when I visit or socialize with locals, I either remain quiet or dumb myself down and play along with the nonsense -which usually leaves me feeling like a traitor to who I am… but it’s either that or make everything else more awkward and risk alienating myself from the only people who have shown me an ounce of care and compassion.
So, back to the person I spent about an hour with today. He came to buy some stuff I had for sale. We had done business before, but didn’t stay in touch as there was no point. He’s always had an energy about him, but aside from a few obvious social queues, I could not figure out… Yet for him to be a stranger, I felt comfortable talking to him well beyond what I normally would -to the point I was standing there in great pain, but refusing to say anything because I wasn’t ready for him to leave. To have company I felt comfortable with is extremely rare so I was not ready to give it up.
After he departed, I was overwhelmed with the urge to write to him and tell him how much I appreciated his company -this also an extremely uncommon occurrence. For one man to compliment another man’s personality or anything other than a materialistic possession is virtually unheard of in today’s society -yet, the urge continued to scratch at me.
So I did. I began writing to him just to say thanks for the business and such. That’s when my innermost thoughts made their way forward and I began to understand the situation. So I continued to write to him, if anything, just for me to see where my head was at.
By the end of the message, I recognized what was happening. In listening to my guest share his stories, I realized it was the culture they were founded in that I connected to. He had lived in many places and seen many things. His intelligence was diverse and well balanced between social reality versus expectations -The extreme weirdness of the ultra-rich. The mentality differences between old money people versus new money people. The corruption of businesses by the greedy. Having to make sacrifices for the sake of mental health… And overall, just trying to find a way to balance making a living with making a life.
He was another human sharing his life and cultural experiences without any ego, pretense, or expectations.
I feel as though I have regained a facet of who I am at my core… Not that it will change anything in the grand scheme of things. I still cannot be my authentic self -but maybe I will be able to find a common ground. At least I now understand what I’m looking for.
Off The Rails 