Exhausted.
I’ve had to slightly alter what’s been on my mind in order to fit this prompt… But I think it’s worth it if it reaches more than the lovely people who have already subscribed to my personal journal.
Maybe I’m exhausted of lying to myself as well as others.
You are starving and living on the street when you come across an unshelled peanut… tucked within a pile of animal feces. We are supposed to consider ourselves lucky that the nut itself was protected? F*k that and f*k whoever would try and sell me that line of BS.
That’s not good luck or fortune. That’s life serving you a shit sandwich in order to keep you alive and suffering… and you’re supposed to give thanks for it.
Why is it when something good happens, something bad follows and we call it universal balance? When something bad happens, we eat the shit sandwich we’re served and focus on the morsel of bread that’s not covered in fecal matter.
You learn that you’ve inherited enough money to retire early from the rat race… Not because of some random settlement, lawsuit, or game of chance winnings, but because your mother/father/sibling was killed and had insurance that covered death & dismemberment.
That’s not good and less-good. That’s good and f*k you, here’s the universe balancing the scales before you forget life is about suffering.
Why not the same problem as above, but hey, the person who hit them had enough insurance money to make sure everyone can comfortably enjoy the rest of their life no matter what that looks like? That’s a sliver lining. That’s the bright side.
When something bad happens, we’re taught to find the least shitty thing about the situation.
After “X” amount of years searching for your biological mother, you discover her location… and learn she just recently died -but hey, congrats, you found her… Now deal with the lifelong inability to find closure.
Picking out the least terrible thing in a situation isn’t being positive, it’s lying to ourselves so we don’t take a long walk off a short pier… and take others with us.
“We’re not meant to be alone in our suffering” – Maybe we’ve not been reading this the right way.
I say all this on the backside of a hospital visit that will likely have long term negative results – just 2 days after the possibility of finding the right dosages of meds that will improve the overall mental health crisis I’ve been battling most of my life -especially over the past 4 years.
Is it really too much to ask that I have a an extended period where I can take a break from the shit sandwiches? It’s not like life has a shortage of them. There’s plenty for everyone.
Oddly enough, thanks to the meds, I’m not searching for lead croutons for my brain salad. I’m just exhausted from picking out the peanuts.
Off The Rails 