“Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.”
After half a century of accomplishment, quickly followed by total loss of everything I had worked for, I can confidently state that Lord Alford Tennyson was delusional in his observation.
Loss through ignorance cuts to the bone. Loss after living the experience maims and alters life forever.
A virgin may know the pleasures of masturbation, but that is nothing like feeling the touch of another human during a one night stand. If it was only one night for one person, at most, feelings get hurt.
A one night stand falls well short of the emotion, intensity, or complexity of making love to the mother/father of your children. With divorce comes depression, lifelong baggage, and even murderous thoughts.
Then are the fighter pilots. Professional athletes. Combat soldiers. First responders. People who have lived on a completely different level, and came back with the best stories -and with severe depression and/or substance problems.
We like to believe the experience is worth the price of admission… Most of the time it’s not. We lie to ourselves in an effort to make our emotions manageable and hopefully make sense of it all.
Until a few years ago, I was fortunate enough to live my life free of major injuries -especially any that required hospital treatment. Psychological damage was plentiful, but the lack of physical setbacks allowed me to continue a life of adventure. Auto racing, sky diving, motorcycle riding, long distance traveling…
And now?
I have major anxiety over nonsense.
I cannot sleep on my right side because I will awake in excruciating pain.
Not on my left side because I will awake in severe pain.
On my chest, I will awake with both shoulders in pain.
If on my back my sleep apnea will try to kill me -not that I would mind, but it is a violent and uncontrollable response when waking up this way. The CPAP mask doesn’t work because I always take it off in my sleep due to its discomfort.
If I sit down, both arms go numb. You know how weird it is to have a vertical divide down my arm from shoulder to fingers -half numb. half intense pain -at the same time?
If I stand, my knees and lower back hurt. Sometimes all at once. Other times randomly.
My left wrist is in constant pain and I cannot trust my grip strength. (I’m left handed of course)
I continue to get dizzy at random times and have hurt myself twice in the past few weeks due to falls.
I find it impossible to retain focus on anything that would allow me to dig myself out of this hole. Days of progress are nullified by days or even weeks of pain and distraction. A minute of progress followed by an hour of regress.
The type of mind I have requires constant fuel – when it doesn’t get what is needed, it feeds upon itself -never a good thing. I now fight addictions of varying types that never existed prior to where I find myself now.
I’m tired. I need a break. From everything; however, reality has shown me that short of leaving this existence, it wouldn’t matter. Wherever I go, it follows. Escape is impossible. Would it be the same if I were homeless and had nothing or would life find another way?
Stuck in quicksand but with one foot on firm ground. Unable to slide completely under. Unable to escape.
It’s neither death nor suicide I fear. It’s the possibility that it would go wrong and I would find that next level of suffering – vegetative in a bed. Hooked up to machines. The ultimate prison.
Would life be better had I never known the freedom and adventure that I did in all my years prior to now? All I can say is that you cannot miss what you’ve never experienced.
Off The Rails 