Some things cannot be undone. Blinded by ego. Driven by insecurities. The butterfly effect waits for us all.
In my youth, I was incredibly insecure about my physical appearance and personality. I was awkward, introverted, and did not have an ounce of athletic ability -In other words, I didn’t have women beating down my door to either be my girlfriend or to hookup.
I felt as though I needed a way to compensate for my lack of physical attractiveness. I decided to concentrate on sexual gratification. I convinced myself I could get girls if word got out that I was highly skilled in the bedroom. I knew guys my age didn’t care nearly as much about pleasing the girl as they did about getting their own nut. That was my way in.
Of course at the age of 14, my logic and critical thinking skills were flawed. I actually needed to get women into bed before I learned could make a name for myself.
With that being said, it’s not as though I was dry throughout high school. I lost my virginity as a Freshman. I did have a few random encounters before graduation. What I learned was that girls didn’t really know what they were doing either -we all just did what felt good and whatever happened, happened.
Time passed and as my sexual adventures continued, I gathered more and more precious data. This was where my problems began. I was so focused on body count I never stopped to see the destruction I left in my wake. The notches on my bedpost were not one night stands. They were girls who were looking for relationships.
I pushed my g/f’s to do things they did not have an interest in. If they had no desire for what I wanted, I’d be unfaithful if the opportunity presented itself. After all, it was about experience and crafting myself to eventually be the best I could be behind closed doors.
I neither slowed nor stopped long enough to consider that I was already good enough for the woman I was with. I wanted more. My consumption blinded me.
In my late 20’s and early 30’s I went entirely off the reservation. I had finally maneuvered myself into a life of hedonism and was addicted to the art of seduction… and I was damn good at it. Threesomes, group sex, BDSM, married women – nothing was off the menu.
At the height of my sex-drunk behavior, it wasn’t uncommon for me to have up to 5 girls lined up for the weekend. At one point I managed intimate relations with at least 3 coworkers at the same time -one of which I was engaged to. (Obviously the engagement ended)
Eventually, I met a woman I believed checked all the boxes… maybe even added a few I was unaware of. The countless years of focus and dedication to the art of sex finally paid off. She was down for anything, anytime, anywhere. She was bisexual, had a thirst for younger women, and because of her looks, had no problem bringing them home for us to play with. As crazy as it sounds, and for the first time ever, I had no desire for other girls. It was all her.
She kept me drunk on a cocktail of oxytocin, dopamine, and endorphins virtually the entire 5 years we were together. Add experiences enhanced with MDMA as well as weed and it’s easy to see how this was a recipe for disaster.
The problem with being so heavily intoxicated through sex is that it blinded me to reality. I was in lust, not love… but I had no idea at the time.
Once we eventually burned out, I was left with deep, everlasting scars. The biggest being what I had inflicted upon myself. For example, we were together for 5 years and I had no idea she was bilingual. That fact put my entire relationship into perspective. I knew how to get her off countless ways and unlimited times, but couldn’t tell you much about who she was as a person. (With this girl specifically, it was both our faults. She was also very secretive)
After it was way too late, I realized that once you go so far down the path of sexual deviancy, there’s no coming back. Your normal desires are not the same as they once were. Things break inside of you.
When you find a normal partner, complications can emerge. The relationship works, but the intimacy struggles for various reasons – the most crucial being how intimacy has become entangled with the negative experiences from our past.
The drive for sex has been corrupted and no longer represents what it used to. Negative emotions surround physical intimacy and you struggle with the potential that your touch taints your loved one and somehow poisons the relationship every time it takes place.
Your damage is not their responsibility to fix, but naturally it becomes a problem overall as a couple needs to be able to share physical intimacy without substantial issues.
I heard a funny line in a movie many years ago – I don’t remember the exact dialogue, but basically a married guy had a mistress on the side. When his friend asked why, he replied that his wife kissed his kids with that mouth.
Some want to keep the dark side of our personality separate from the light side for fear that one will taint the other and make the two indistinguishable from one another. The guy I just mentioned could do things with his side chick that he either couldn’t do with his wife or didn’t want to subject her to. Some men do not want their wife to be a whore. Whores are notoriously impossible to blindly trust. As the saying goes, “You can’t make a whore a housewife.”
For me, the lesson arrived too late -being that hooking up with as many people as you can may sound like a novel idea, but it’s programming your mind in ways that will severely cripple your chances to have a normal relationship down the road.
Of course you may not see that now and may even scoff at the idea and say “not me”… but trust me… It’s you. Psychology wouldn’t exist if we were as different as you would like to believe. Sex is just like any other drug addiction. It’s real, unrelenting, and not easily controlled once it has a hold on you.
Off The Rails 