Imagine having the intelligence to do virtually anything you wanted to do, but a level of interest that was unpredictable and ungovernable.
Imagine being able to comprehend anything you set your sights on learning, but unable to learn anything unless you were required to for your job or survival. Learning for recreation is difficult on a level that’s rarely worth doing battle with.
Example – I have obsessed with learning how to 3D print for years. I finally bought one almost 6 months ago thinking it would encourage me to learn and allow me to stop obsessing. It did satisfy the desire… yet the box has yet to be opened. Learning the software has proven problematic for me for various reasons -so because there’s no real need to learn it for any other reason than “just because”, I continue to put it off.
Every single time I find a subject that ignites my mind, it feels real and as though that could be the hobby/job/interest that sticks with me… Just to eventually discover it’s not.
Interest or disinterest in something cannot be forced, just as depression and mania fuel my writing. While it’s possible for me to ignore everything and force-march forward, it never ends well. The writing is subpar and attempting to learn something new is thwarted upon encountering the smallest of obstacles.
Endless hobbies, jobs, addresses, states, cars, motorcycles, gaming systems, partners. Even pets. Multiple foreclosures and repossessions. The cycle repeats with neither an answer nor end in sight.
Nothing is real. Nothing is permanent. Everything seems to have an expiration date that is unknown, yet I am accountable to, but not in charge of.
The only consistent thing in my life – The predictability of inconsistency and instability.
I am the poster child for being a “jack of all trades, yet king of none”. From graduating a bar tending academy to managing the installation of a multi-million dollar telephone switching facility, and everything in between. There’s nothing I can’t do… I just can’t tell you how long I can do it.
Off The Rails 