So. Many. Lessons.

I have so many which could have made a huge impact on my life that I have trouble picking one – So I shan’t just share an individual lesson.

#1 – Love doesn’t mean security and security doesn’t mean love. A caged animal is relatively safe, but would you call that love? Love in the form of instability isn’t secure. It’s important to understand you can have one without the other, but you need both to be healthy.

#2 – You can’t turn a whore into a housewife. If you know their favorite sexual position before you know their favorite color, there’s a 99% chance one of you uses sex as a coping mechanism, you’ve just confused lust with love and you are doomed to either fail or live miserably in the short amount of time you’re together.

#3 – If they will cheat with you, they will cheat on you. You want to feel special and they’re good at making you feel that way; however, they are broken and afraid of being alone. They trade one s/o for the next but make sure their new s/o is locked in before the jump from the previous relationship. I also call this “How you meet them is how they’ll leave you.” Meaning if you’re the side piece until you’re primary, then one day their next side piece will take your place.

#4 – If you meet someone and their previous relationship was traumatic – prepare to be turned into their ex by the end of the relationship. Since they haven’t taken time to repair the damage from the past, their behavior will steer you into becoming just like their ex. Once you have transformed, they will label you just like their ex and leave because they don’t see the consequences of their own actions. Wives #2 and #3 both did this to me. In the beginning, I was their savior. By the end, I was just like their asshole ex. They failed to see their own behavior as the common thread. They continue to stack baggage on top of baggage and poison every person they touch. You cannot save them. They will only drown you.

#5 – “But they’re my parents” is the biggest bullshit excuse we have for allowing a toxic parent to stay in your life. The deep psychological damage they will do in the long run far outweighs the guilt you’ll have for leaving them behind. Love isn’t supposed to harm. They may genuinely love you, but are unable to show it in a healthy way. They won’t be around forever, but your mental health will follow you to the grave. Choose yourself.

#6 – This is touchy, but needs to be shared. If you meet someone who has been raped or molested and has never taken the time to get help from that event, *do not get involved with them beyond friendship*. The violation of your body is something that someone never completely gets over and if left untreated, will severely twist how they view sex, sexuality, and intimacy. They might see it as a coping mechanism, a tool, a weapon, a form of acceptance. There’s no end to damage it causes both to the person who survived the event and to the people that person comes into contact with in the future.

**To be clear, I’m not saying “all sexual assault survivors”. I’m saying if they’ve been sexually assaulted and have never received deep psychological help. If they’ve been in therapy for years, it’s still risky, but much safer than someone who is just “winging it”.

#7 – Sex is not love and love is not sex. They’re easy to get confused. I’ve done it many times myself. A person who can perform sex extremely well can easily confuse a person who is unaware how thin the line between the two actually is. It is possible to have sex without love. It’s also possible to have love without sex. If you don’t take time to understand the difference the road that lies before you will be a psychological minefield.

#8 – If you are cheated on, it is not a reflection on your value. If someone is going to betray your relationship, it is their choice based on their personal baggage. There’s nothing you can do to prevent it. You cannot fight the world and you have better things to do than to make the attempt. Just walk away. If you stay and they do it again, then it’s your fault. Don’t blame them. Blame yourself. You stayed even after knowing what they were capable of.

#9 – Fear of being alone is exactly why you need to be alone – To prove you do not need another person in your life to define who you are. This will break or prevent the cycle of staying in bad relationships because you’re afraid you won’t find another mate. You will realize you’re capable of living by yourself. People still find love and soul mates into their golden years. Thinking there’s no one else out there for you is ridiculous. You’re not so incredibly unique that you’re cursed with a short supply of people to pick from.

#10 – The grass is never greener. If you’re having relationship troubles, keeping a prospect around as an escape route in case shit goes wrong just robs everyone involved. If one foot is out of the boat, you can neither swim nor paddle. Make a choice. Either get back in the boat or jump ship. Respect yourself as well as those involved. The new person will always have that exciting honeymoon feel. Everything is perfect… just like in the beginning when you met the person you’re having issues with.