What I have to share is not rocket surgery or brain science, yet we continue to fail to accept the obvious logic behind an answer that could spare ourselves sooo many hours, even years, of unnecessary grief.
A young friend of mine recently had to deal with the passing of his significant other while he was out of town working. It was sudden and unexpected.
After news spread, the rumor mill went wild. Many of their mutual friends began to open up to him about behaviors he was unaware of. She was living a second life when he was out of town. This woman had convinced people of a situation that did not exist in order to receive money. Money? Both of these kids had jobs. What was the money for? That was another rock in the tumbling rumor mill. It was suggested the funds were for drugs -a problem she had fought with most of her life.
Fast forward a few weeks after the dust settled, He and I were having a long talk over the phone when he made a comment that worried me. The concern was over his desire to get to the bottom of what happened and, if drugs were indeed involved, cause physical harm to one or both parties responsible for supplying them to his girl.
In a partially broken voice he stated, “If it is drugs, I’m confident I know who she got them from, but I need to be certain. If it’s who I think, I’m going to pay them a visit and dish out a little retribution.”
I paused and asked, “Why?”
Puzzled, he replied, “Because I know they were her drug connection. They both do drugs and one is an actual dealer. She was supposed to stay away from them, but I know it has to be one or both of them.”
Again, I asked, “Why?”
He immediately responded a bit more aggressively, “Because they’re the ones who gave her the drugs that killed her. That’s why. I need payback.”
After his response, I calmly pointed out a life lesson that can be overlaid onto so many other situations, yet we continue to fail to recognize it.
I offered my personal experience, “Bub, look… If your girl had a drug problem, she was going to find a source no matter what. It could be her friend. It could be a dude down the street. You’re holding the wrong person accountable for what happened. Not to speak ill of the dead, but your girl made a choice. It was simply a matter of who she went to in order to fulfill her desire.”
“You can’t fight each person your significant other betrays your trust with. No matter if it’s addiction or adultery.”
“You cannot fight the world.”
Lesson courtesy of ex-wife #2. When she betrayed our vows, she did it in the exact same manner she cheated on her first husband… by pretending to be single until she had me hooked, by the time the lies were exposed, she had me hooked so deeply that every truthful word her ex spoke was translated into lies through her. I was her knight in shining armor rescuing her from the big bad husband… An Oscar worthy performance. Truly.
The fact is, that if your significant other betrays your trust, they are capable of saying anything to anyone in order to get what they want. That is why you focus your attention on them instead of the third party.
The guy she cheated on me with had no idea she was even married -just as I had no idea when I met her. She was living two lives until she could decide which one she wanted. It was wash and repeat for her. I wasn’t even upset with the guy. How could I be? I was him at one time.
So here’s the bottom line. You cannot fight the world and someone who continually exposes you to these situations will never stop. It’s their survival mechanism. You can lie to yourself all you want. You can bury bodies and pretend it’s everyone else… But it’s not. It’s the one who betrayed you – and you’re allowing them to be a distraction from living your own best life.
Move on.
Let it go.
It may suck right now, but tomorrow will be a brighter day.
Off The Rails 