My failure has been in life overall. I feel as though I’ve made nothing of myself from the countless opportunities I have been provided. The pièce de résistance was the catastrophic loss of my identity three years ago that arrived when my motorcycle and I were embedded into the grill of a Honda as it crossed into my lane.
From the pyroclastic flow emerged a pumice stone I felt had no value -to anyone. Then the lesson that has dogged me throughout my life reminded me of why everything has continually been taken from me.
My selfishness. Although I’ve never wanted to be self-centered and find it to be neither a joyful nor peaceful existence, it’s a behavior that’s come from living a life in constant survival mode. I don’t remember the last time I felt safe -terrible relationships, unsafe living situations, unstable work environments.
Selfish behavior could be compared to filling a swimming pool with an eyedropper. That little bit of happiness I give myself evaporates well before any resemblance of progress is made.
When I use that same eyedropper to add to someone else’s life, mine begins to fill as though it’s being fed by a firehose.
The lesson? We are not meant to fill our own pool.
So what have I done with this knowledge? I met a young person I am trying to mentor through a very stressful time in their life by using the lessons I’ve learned through mine to help provide perspective, comfort, and encouragement. I adopted a beautiful black cat I named Cleopatra. I drop everything when she wants cuddles. I am trying to be a better person for my s/o who has made countless sacrifices throughout our time together.
Will this attempt be a success? That’s an answer I will not have until my final moments in this life. Till then, all I can do is try to be a better human.
Off The Rails 