The other day was hell. NGL. I was faced with way too much reality and had to take a klonopin before I chewed on the last fingers I had yet to make bleed.
- The reality of my situation with regard to my injuries and my future.
- My best friend possibly having a stroke.
- The potential for being forced to cut someone from my life who has had an invaluable impact – due to a situation they were considering for themselves.
- My DMs blowing up from the amount of interest in some merch I was trying to get rid of online.
By the end of the day, it was either take a klonopin, or completely melt down -all while my chest felt ready to explode from the pressure I felt building inside it.
For the first time since they’ve been prescribed, when I took one, it submerged my brain into molasses. I felt like a zombie for hours. I didn’t care. I just wanted to be numb and not have to think about anything, hopefully, until I went to sleep. I got my wish. It eventually put me out… and yet I still managed to wake up at my normal time. 3am. Why I cannot escape that time is beyond me. No matter if I go to bed at 9am or midnight. I’m up at 3am. If I try to go back to bed, I’m up and down the whole time till I get frustrated and get up – just to not be able to stay awake moments later when I’m once again dozing off, but can’t stay asleep. Every day is the same.
I have choices to make. Pride? Determination? Acceptance? Which will win the battle? Good question. But I need to make a decision soon.
Off The Rails 