Because of how I was raised and my genetic disposition that falls under the autism spectrum, I consider myself a very complex person to understand and even tolerate. Think of Dr. Sheldon Cooper but with the sexual history of Johnny Sins. The ironic thing is that because of my intensity, raw emotion and ability to hyper focus on seduction, women have found it easy to fall for me -to what was their eventual detriment.
Like a cat, it doesn’t take much for me to run away… And rarely did I ever backtrack. It was my belief I ran for a reason, so going back was just asking for trouble, or even worse, giving them the chance to hurt me -either by accident or design.
I neither recognize safe spaces nor unconditional love. Although I’m certain there have been women in my past who offered both, it was as foreign to me as the Sumerian language. I had no way to recognize it.
After my last divorce, I swore off serious relationships -and just as life does, it sent me someone I never saw coming. She wasn’t my usual type -which was a good thing. She wasn’t cheating on someone to be with me, unlike at least one other woman I was talking to at the time.
This woman was independent, intelligent, established, and had her own place. She didn’t “need” me for anything aside from company. Later on I’d discover she actually had a family she was close with and who supported each other. Every single thing about her was unfamiliar, so naturally it was uncomfortable. I had to take a chance.
More than a decade later, I sit in her living room typing this blog entry.
To my frustration, she always puts me first. Even before herself. She’s quit jobs to follow me. She sacrificed two and a half years of her life to care for me after my wreck. She makes sure I have something to eat before she fixes her own food.
She’s had the strength to endure the raging storms that my life is constantly wrought with -often by my own hand.
Love. Loyalty. Trust. Forgiveness. She’s shown me all these things.
And what do I offer in return? Honestly? I believe I’m just not as bad as the guy she was with before me.
This relationship is not 50/50. Not even close. Although I’ve offered to make sacrifices for her to find her own path and happiness, she always steers it back to me.
…But she’s stayed. That’s why I often tell her I don’t deserve her. I’m not trying to be sweet and sincere. I’m being honest. No one deserves what I’ve put her through. Most would have accused me of infidelity because of my lack of attention giving and then followed suit based on that assumption. (ask me how I know)
Let me be clear on a few things – I don’t drink, hang out at bars, subscribe to physical or psychological abuse, gamble, do drugs, or run around on her. Until recently, I’ve always maintained a job and tried to contribute to the house chores and bills.
On paper, I’d be considered a genuine catch. But that’s just on paper. Trust me. The product is not as described.
It is said actions speak louder than words… but for some of us, all we have are the words we express from our heart, backed by inconsistent actions we attempt to do better at.
Will I ever be the man she deserves? I don’t believe I have the capacity to be something so fundamentally unfamiliar to me… But I’ll try for as long as she’ll let me.
Off The Rails 