I lost interest in the holidays practically a lifetime ago. I was either alone, in some unstable relationship, or with family I felt I was not actually part of since leaving home as a teenager. I did a decent job at playing the part, but it was a “smile for the camera” type of face I pushed forward.
For the first time I was excited to spend Christmas in a group setting with the extended family this year. Although I am still unemployed, I did have a bit of money I could use to purchase Christmas gifts instead of just having my name attached to the tag. I even made the labels creative by adding a description of who the gift was for instead of their actual name -made it a bit of a guessing game.
I put more time and effort into it than I have… maybe ever? It’s hard to say, but I know I was attempting to make it fun again -or at least enjoyable.
The day before we were to celebrate Christmas, I got sick and wasn’t about to risk exposing the entire family to whatever I had.
No. I just stayed at home. In bed. Alone yet again.
My s/o will read this and probably feel guilty because she’s the one who brought it home from work, suffered through it, got better, and then was able to spend the holidays with her family.
I do not blame her. Not in the slightest. I know well enough now that I was going to get it one way or another. If not from her, it would’ve found its way to me one way or another.
The only relief I had in this entire ordeal was that she was healthy enough to spend time with her family while they were all in town. She’s big on family gatherings whereas I’ve never been.
As for my feelings on being robbed this year? There’s no pity party here. Just exhaustion from hitting brick walls. My body aches. My mind is broken. My life is lost somewhere in the fog and most days I lose interest in trying to find it again.
I thought the loss of my career, freedom, quality of life, and self-worth meant that I was flat on my back at the bottom of the barrel.
Turns out, there’s still plenty of room under it.
Off The Rails 