As I was using the self-checkout station at the local Dollar General, I had a very young little girl walk right up into my personal space. She couldn’t have been older than 8 or 9. And when I say my space, I mean it was as if she were my daughter standing by my side. Although her sudden presence didn’t bother me, It managed to disrupt me enough to pause what I was doing and observe as she carefully placed her intended purchase on the pre-checkout shelf -two small, painted, wooden dinosaurs. After they were neatly on the tiny platform, the young lady produced a few well-wadded up dollar bills.
While she was unfolding her money, I looked up to see her mother standing behind her. She was distracted and did not see her child’s invasion of my personal space.
I looked back down at the young one, “Well hi there.”
Before the child could respond, her mother noticed us and attempted to wrangle her daughter back – to which I assured the lady I didn’t mind what had happened.
I inquired to the young miss, “Are those Christmas presents?”
“Yes, for my little sister.”
“Are you using your own money to buy them?”
“Yes.”
She was so sweet and genuine in her response, I immediately picked up her toys and added them to my items. Both her and her mother expressed their surprise and appreciation for my gesture. The little one even gave me a full two-arm hug around my waist.
The sincerity in a child’s hug can be magical -something I have long since forgotten about.
After I paid, I asked, “Would you like a bag for your purchase ma’am?”
“Yes please.”
I smiled and gave her a, “Merry Christmas!”
I received a big grin and a return “Merry Christmas!”
I held out a plastic bag while she deposited her intended gifts and then handed everything to her. She must have thanked me half a dozen more times before they got out the door. The mother also waited to hold the door open for me as I made my way out.
Those two little toys were only $1 each, but that’s all she had and was willing to spend it all so her younger sibling would have a gift from her big sister.
As I walked to my car, I began to have a moment of reflection. I looked back on my life as a whole. The things I’ve done. The motivation behind them.
My life may have been one big ball of yarn – layer upon layer, winding in every direction… But there was one constant -How selfish and self-centered I have been since childhood and the resentment I carry for myself because of it.
Without getting too far into aspects I feel are not relevant to this post, I’ll simply say how I was raised for the first half-dozen years of my life was the foundation for what I am today. After youth came the military, followed by terrible marriages. It transformed my selfishness from being materialistically spoiled into selfishness because I was in survival mode.
I’d say I am as close to a narcissist as one can be… without actually being one. Had I remained with either of my last 2 wives, both of which are NPD, I would have eventually become one myself from the need to survive -which is how NPD is spread. (This is a very general and basic statement).
Looking back at my life, I can say that my entire self-worth has predominantly been based on external validation through my skill sets or connections with people -which is why I loved my chosen profession so much. To the business, I could prove my value through measurable performance. To those on the outside looking to be associated with the business, I held a certain degree of power and influence -my business connections and exposure to the public.
My job provided a neverending ability to be of service in one way or another to countless people.
For many years, I questioned whether or not I was a narcissist -Although the first rule of NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) is that they will never self-analyze like that, and that aside from anger/rage, most of their emotions are not real. They’re emulated.
I also never attempted to take advantage of anyone I had provided a favor for and honestly don’t remember ever throwing my favor in their face as a way to manipulate them.
What I did and still do to a certain degree, I do for myself and not at the cost of others. That’s what has allowed me to accept that redemption may be possible for my sins.
With that being said, my selfishness mixed with the fact I do have ADHD makes me very difficult to deal with as someone’s significant other. I am a complicated person in all respects. The closer you are to me, the darker the nightmare gets.
When I was younger, there were fewer people better than I was at seducing a woman I desired through words and actions. The art of seduction is highly addictive and I considered myself a devout artist. The problem was that my behavior was not sustainable. Eventually the excitement would wear off and I’d be looking for the next shiny object while they were wondering what just happened.
There were a few exceptions to this, but those situations came with their own rules which never allowed me to be in their lives long enough to find out if they were truly exceptions or just obsessions because the choice to have/keep them for my own was never mine to begin with.
And yes, I was the type of guy who saw my s/o as my possession, but not something I owned. I never tried to control them, but I treated them as if they were my most priceless possession – they had my complete focus and attention when they were with me… at least until the excitement wore off.
Being isolated from the world for almost 3 years now has given me plenty of time to reflect and look at the path I’ve traveled. There’s a tremendous amount of guilt and resentment I’m working through, but at least I’m working on it.
This is the first time in 10 years I have personally purchased gifts for my s/o’s family. I also wrapped them and was creative in naming the presents. I had actual fun with it. As a Christmas present, I surprised my s/o with decorating her room in a holiday theme because I know how much she loves Christmas. (we have cats so a tree is not optional)
For as far back as I can remember, birthdays and holidays were never noteworthy for me due to circumstances, not even my own birthday… so this is new territory.
Will I eventually be someone I’m happy with? I honestly don’t know. I have no idea what that would even look like. What I am confident about is that I do not like being who I am. I never have.
Will I ever be happy with who I am? Even a little? I have no idea. I’ve stopped trying to figure out what happiness really is and whether or not it’s sustainable for someone like me.
Only time will tell.
Off The Rails 