Before my wreck, I never had nightmares. Not even when I was at the lowest of lows… Now, every time I close my eyes, I fear what I will find on the other side. Nightmares for me are hyper-real. They feel 100% genuine to the point where when I wake up, I have to check my surroundings in order to determine if they were real or not. Every day I wake up wondering which world I’m alive in.
Last night I dreamt that I beat my kitten to death. What kind of fucked up sign is that? Even in the dream, as soon as I noticed she was past the point of saving, I realized what I was doing and sobbed uncontrollably until I managed to wake up. As I type this now, my heart hurts and my eyes begin to well up. Why? She’s the one thing I have not tainted with my poison.
I calmed down and went back to sleep just to have another dream that involved me losing her. This time my house and yard was full of cats, but none was her and I kept feeling as though she had been killed. No matter how hard I looked, I was unable to find her. I woke up not knowing what happened.
Again, I ask – What kind of fucked up message is that supposed to contain? Are my daytime thoughts not violent enough? Is the trauma I am working through not dripping with enough sadness and regret? Why must something so innocent and pure be the object of such things?
Am I supposed to be driven off the edge? Have I outlived my time by refusing to give up? Do I need to destroy everything around me… Because I am completely capable of that. Press the button and detonate everything. It wouldn’t be the first.
The harder I push. The harder I’m pushed. I’ve never been more tired than I am right now… today… this moment.
To this day, what has kept me from making such permanent choices is the fear it would go wrong and I’d be trapped here, but in a vegetative state -unable to communicate. Isolated in darkness. Unable to live. Unable to die. Alive only by machines that indicate as such.
But I will not tolerate dreams like those I had last night. The depth of pain was too much.
(Post title came from one of my favorite Black Keys songs – Little Black Submarines. If you’ve never heard it, you’re missing out. It’s amazing.)
Off The Rails 