What If?

The false hope we are told as kids – We can be whatever we want if we work hard and focus. By the time we’re older, most of us have traded the dream for reality. There’s a reason some people can make a living out of convincing the rest of us we can all be at the top -or be the “best version” of ourselves. We want to believe we deserve it all. We want to believe we deserve happiness.

But what if we don’t?

Time after time we see shitty humans at the top hoarding money while decent people struggle to survive. The reasons why can vary with the weather, but either way, that’s how it ends up.

My entire life I have believed I was meant for something of meaning and substance – not like a celebrity, professional athlete or someone of grandiose position… but something. Anything other than ending up alongside the average joe who had zero drive to do anything except the bare minimum – work their dead-end job, drink their beer and take a vacation to the same spot year after year.

And yet here I am more than half way through my life and no further down the path than shortly after I left home. While you may find that statement a little preposterous and dramatic, let me explain where it stems from.

Every time I fall from grace, it’s further down. Each time I hit the ground, it’s a little harder. This is how it’s worked out for me each time I’ve made progress:

Please know this is not a pity party and I am not searching for a shoulder to cry on. I am sharing the low points in my life as a lead-in to a question and statement I offer at the end of this post.

The first time I fell from grace arrived after refusing an attempted extortion by the gay male friend of a woman I was sleeping with. I was 21 years old. I refused to comply. He lied to my superiors. I was discharged under honorable conditions for “misconduct” for which there was no evidence provided for his claim. The high security clearance I held did not allow for any potential issues regarding his claim.

Roughly two years after my discharge, I left my g/f behind, moved to a new city, started a new job, and purchased a newer car. We planned to bring her down after I got my feet under me. Two months after I moved, the company released all temporary employees. I was 1,200 miles away from anyone who could help, living in an empty apartment, sleeping in a Papasan chair. I was 23.

The third time was at 24-25. I was fired for poor performance after less than a month after my contract was bought out early for exceptional performance. The actual reason became clear later on, but there was nothing I could do about it. I had just purchased a new home, had a high paying job, and driving my first Mustang -a car I had always wanted and had spent a good amount of money customizing.

I had to live in the house without water or power until it was eventually foreclosed on, lost my Mustang when I got hit by an uninsured motorist, then had to give away the first dog I ever owned. The final dagger was when I had to move in with the most unhinged woman I have ever known. (All of this within 3 months of being let go)

My fourth time happened in my mid 30’s. I had just married the woman of my dreams. I traded in a bucket list car I was driving for a SUV due to her having children. I had just purchased a newly completed house in an upscale neighborhood. The position I was in, that was deemed as one of the most important to the startup company I was working for, was eliminated. I lost everything and my wife and I were forced to move over 1,200 miles back home in order to live with my mother and step-father. This move would eventually lead to the loss of another vehicle, issues within my marriage as well within my family.

The fifth time happened the following year. I was still married to the woman from before and had just moved 2,500 miles back across the US to be a partner with my wife’s brother in a startup business. Once we were almost back on our feet, she cheated, lied to police in order to have me removed from the apartment, then lied about what was hers. I lost what little I had managed to regain. I found myself sleeping in an empty room in my business partner’s house until I could get back on my feet.

In my late 30’s, the sixth time. I had just married what I would discover was an alcoholic with a desire for either men old enough to be her father or young enough to be her son. The marriage would cost me my first Harley, an incredibly rare Mustang I was restoring, a newer SUV I had traded my brand new car for so we could have a family vehicle, and eventually my partnership in the business. At one point I was sleeping in the cab of my truck outside the business office during the week then returning home on the weekend.

The seventh time. I had just moved in with my oldest, closest friend to start a new business and put some space between me and the 3rd wife. Within a couple weeks of the move, my wife cheated and we separated. She attempted to keep my belongings as well as the truck I had purchased after the SUV was repo’d.

What could arguably be the 8th time – Due to a string of terrible decisions based on that situation, I would eventually lose my oldest and closest friend, her family which had grown fond of me, as well as everything else that I could not fit into the bed of an old F-150.

Since I’d made no measurable progress from the collection of previous catastrophes, the universe waited longer than normal to obliterate my life. 

At 48, the most recent time arrived in style. I had just moved to a new city. My job was one of a lifetime with the most potential for my future than I ever had. I was engaged and had a one-off Harley showbike. Money wasn’t fantastic, but more than I had made in over a decade. This time I was hit head-on, lost the bike, lost the job, lost the apartment I had just rented, and sustained life-altering injuries. I was out of work for over 2.5 years, had to learn how to walk again, and will never have full range of motion in my left wrist and leg. I additionally have a wide assortment of neurological and psychological issues.

Again I stress I’m not looking for sympathy. I learned at a young age that you can find sympathy in the dictionary between shit and syphilis.

So does still being here make me a survivor? Am I resilient? It doesn’t matter to me any longer. I am more tired than I ever have been in my life. Better yet, exhausted. What’s the use of trying to climb out of the gutter when there’s always a foot right there to kick me back into it?

Which is what brought me to this –

Maybe I’ve been lying to myself all these years. Maybe not everyone was meant to be happy or successful. And maybe it’s not just me.

Would the world have some of its greatest works of art, music, and literature if everyone was happy? I don’t believe it would. Many people find their creativity when they are at their lowest points. There’s something inside our brain which only unlocks during our darkest hours. While moments of inspiration can arrive when we are happy, they are rarely consistent. The real magic happens just before those dark and intrusive thoughts become actions. Some people can walk that line. Others are unable to and choose to make a decision they cannot step back from.

Those who step over the line are neither weak nor self-centered. They simply get caught up in the void and allow it to consume them before they have time to find clarity. (There are a ton of other factors, but the bottom line, in my opinion, is the void itself)

So what if we stop pushing ourselves to be something we weren’t supposed to be to begin with? Look at my life. It’s safe to say I was only meant to be happy in short bursts – right before I lose everything and start over. I’ll find myself depressed for months or years before I get back on my feet, feel good, make some progress towards happiness -then have it all taken away. And the further I make it away from depression, the harder I hit when it’s all taken away.

To be clear – I would never encourage anyone not to chase their dreams. That’s not what I’m saying. 

What I’m saying is that if you can be comfortable wherever you’re at inside your head, you might soon discover where you’re meant to be on that happiness scale.

It’s when we judge our appearance and/or wealth against everyone else that we find depression and hopelessness. It’s the drive to reach the stars when the stars aren’t for everyone.

Me? I understand and accept that I’m not meant to be happy. I am meant to live on a roller coaster that rises and falls, but is rarely neutral. It manifests as contentment. When I’m low, I know I’ll be high again. When I’m on a high, I know it’s only temporary.

If we accept where we are, we’re closer to accepting who we are. To sound absurd, there is an inherent happiness in accepting when our life turns to garbage -because then we can focus on what’s important instead of the temporary distractions the world is full of.

IDK. I’m neither a doctor nor a counselor. I’m basing all of this on over half a century of life experience. It’s still a struggle to accept it to this day, and I’m the one who wrote this.

It is possible to manifest happiness but. you have to be willing to accept life as it is and not how you continue to expect it to be.