Written October 22nd. 1:48am
I can’t sleep. I can’t stay awake. Even with the CPAP machine, it feels as though I can’t breathe. Today was not a good day. I spent most of it feeling disoriented and dizzy. Whatever is wrong inside my head feels as though it’s continuing to decline. I’ve refused to acknowledge that my vision may be getting worse in addition to everything else that’s been happening to me… but it’s time to admit that something isn’t right there either. Who knows. Maybe it’s the source of what makes me dizzy.
It gets harder and harder to fight the thoughts that darken my mind. My quality of life is nothing like it used to be and continues to decrease faster than I can keep up with excuses and fake smiles. It’s fair to say that I’m the furthest I’ve ever been from being ok.
It is during this time when she comes to me… when I’m at my lowest… broken… lost.
The one who lured me into deep waters by convincing me a life I didn’t believe existed was actually possible, then showed me it was all a lie. The payment for this life lesson was everything that made me who I was and diminished the person I thought I could be. She took it all, rendered it into ashes, and made no apologies.
The memories of her haunt my dreams. Was one life not enough? What must I lose before I can free myself from her?
Should I get help? Probably. Do I want to? I’m not so sure. There comes a point where enough is enough. Only someone who is a masochist at heart would wish to continue with the unrelenting abuse.
I have lived half a century and feel as though I have nothing to show for it aside from emotional baggage. Two steps backward consistently follows a single step forward.
When we are surrounded by darkness, it can show us our truth. There are no distractions. Nothing to keep ourselves busy while ignoring reality. The smoke clears to reveal the truth.
And the truth is… Sometimes what we find in the darkness… is just pitch black.
Off The Rails 