Inconvenience Store

I randomly met a young blonde named Tabitha at the mall. She was around 5’5” with green eyes and dirty blonde hair. She had a slight trashiness to her, so of course I was interested. We exchanged numbers and eventually set up a date. From how she acted when we met and her general demeanor over the phone, I knew I’d be scratching another notch on my headboard in no time.

I was running late to pick her up so I didn’t have time to stop and get gas. I hated interrupting a date to stop and pump fuel, but running out of gas really would’ve killed the vibe so I’d just accepted the situation. Because of how I envisioned things would go after dinner, I didn’t want to risk breaking the momentum by stopping anywhere but the apartment. After I picked her up, I advised her of the pit stop. She was cool with it.

As luck would have it, there was a convenience mart just a few blocks from her house. We pulled in and I jumped out so I could get it over with. As I’m standing there I feel a big ball of gas form in my lower intestine and make its way down. Perfect timing since I was outside and could let it air out. Once it got to the gatekeeper, I relaxed and let it go.

But it wasn’t gas. It was a full fledged load of dirty water blowing out of my bottom half. Before I could even react, raw sewage filled the insides of my underwear and blew out the elastic around my legs and waist. There was no containing or directing the force of the eruption. Within seconds, it went up my back, down both legs, over my socks and into my shoes. And the smell. The smell was on a level of fucking disgusting I’ve never experienced.. 

I had no idea what triggered the event. My stomach wasn’t upset. I had zero warning. I descended into full panic mode. I returned the gas nozzle to the pump then waddled my way to the bathrooms that were thankfully at the back of the building.They were locked. Awesome. No hope of escaping total public humiliation. Me and the trail of poo I had following me made our way back to the store’s entrance. I held the door open as I looked inside. I saw a line of people waiting to check out, but I was not about to participate with that bullshit. From the doorway, I called out.

“Excuse me ma’am. Do I need a key for the bathroom?”

The attendant gives me a dirty look and tells me the men’s room is out of order.

“Ma’am, I normally wouldn’t ask, but this is a bit of an emergency.”

I see her face take the shape of someone who’s about to tell me like it is when an unusually strong gust of wind blows around me and into the store filling it with the putrid smell of what was dripping down my legs. A wave of disgust washed over every person in that line and the attendant lost her will to be a bitch. She quickly grabbed the key and placed it on the counter. As I approached, every person in line took a step away from me. Make way for the human shit stain.

I take the key back outside and around to the rear of the building. I unlock the women’s bathroom and quickly go inside.

Fucking perfect. The bathroom appeared as though it hadn’t been cleaned since the station opened over a decade ago. There were paper towels and toilet paper all over the floor because the trash was overflowing. Endless graffiti on every surface. No soap. Only cold water from the sink. I may have been the cleanest thing in the room. There was no other options for me. I had to somehow cleanse the brown shower from my body and clothing. I stripped down naked and used the broken hook on the door to hold my shirt off the ground. My underwear? Unrecoverable. Not even useful as a wash rag. 

I practically spun the toilet roll out of its holder trying to wad enough up to wipe myself off. I just kept finding more shit. Down my legs, up my back; Not even in the military had I experienced such a dramatic bowel evacuation. I eventually ran out of TP and had to switch to the brown sandpaper dispenser. My skin was raw from the amount of repeated scrubbing. I was living in a horror story where I was consumed by my own fecal matter. 

Naturally, the paper towels eventually ran out. I did what I had to do. I used my socks. At least I could rinse them out. They worked decently well to lessen the stains in the denim pants. After accepting that things were as good as they were going to get, I dressed myself in what was left of wearable clothing. Everything else went into the trash. I then returned the key to the attendant and thanked her for allowing me to use the bathroom. She didn’t say a word. She was probably dying on the inside wondering what was waiting for her in the bathroom.

Thirty minutes after I thought I had to pass gas, I returned to my car without underwear, without socks, walking in shoes that still still contained remnants of human feces inside them, and smelling like wet, diluted sewage. I was so done… but the date had just started.

The instant I opened the door and before I could even get inside, “Is everything ok? You were… Jesus, did a dog shit outside the car? What is that?”

“Yeah, I stepped in a huge pile. That’s why I was gone for so long. It was all over my damn shoe. Brand new shoes and now I think they’re ruined. I can’t get the smell out. I gotta go home before I make us both sick.”

“Ok. You wanna come back and get me or what?”

“That’s cool. Let me drop you off. I’ll be back in a few.”

I took her home then went back to my place. By then the poo that was in my jeans had worked its way into my car’s upholstery. It took days to scrub that smell out. I never went back to pick up Tabitha. That amount of colonic devastation had to be an omen of some sort… for one of us.