Love & Orgasms

With that title, I know my message needs to be on point. I believe it will all make sense by the end. If not, at least you hopefully had a chuckle at the title. Although the story is written from the viewpoint of a man, it can just as easily be translated for the opposite sex.

So let’s get right to it. From the moment we hit puberty almost every human on the planet joins the reproductive cycle of life. The tragic irony is the fact that while our body may be sexually mature enough to produce offspring, it is operated by a mind that is emotionally unstable on its best day and barely capable of caring for itself every day. It’s one of the many foundational stones for what’s fundamentally misunderstood in this world. That statement may sound extreme, but hear me out.

Teens use their genitals to get to know their own body as well as others’ instead of focusing on their future and discovering who they are as a person. We convince ourselves we’re having fun, taking a break, blowing off steam, but what we don’t realize is the fact we’re collecting misinformation about the difference between lust and love that will distort our perceptions for the rest of our lives. This misconception is perpetuated by the idea that discussing sex openly is a huge taboo.

Yet it’s been scientifically proven that repeated exposure to things desensitizes us – Stay at a nude beach long enough and the shock value disappears. What was once taboo is no longer, thereby diminishing its appeal to those who seek those thrills… Much like children will fight to the death with their parents to do something… Until their parents either approve or encourage it – then their interest is lost. Same basic concept.

Enough of that. Let’s move on.

I’ll say it straight to begin with and then elaborate for those in the back. If you find a woman you’re interested in and get to know the inside of her vagina before you get to know what’s inside her heart, you’ve already fucked up. Sex blinds all eyes with almost no exceptions. Once you’ve shared yourself with her, you are vulnerable in ways you are unable to imagine or understand when you’re young. Hell, I was learning well into my early 30’s. 

When two teens or even young adults get together in an intimate manner they find themselves swept away in false emotions that feel more real each time those moments together are experienced. It’s just you and the person you’re attracted to. The worries of growing up fade into the back of your mind. For that moment in time, the pressures of finishing school, getting a job or continuing your education, whether or not you’ll get married and have kids or not, buying your first home, are not as important as they usually are.

Orgasms are not love, but give anyone enough of them and shit gets real confusing.

Phrases such as, “When I’m with you the world doesn’t seem so bad.” or “Being with you makes the world more tolerable”, “blah blah, time stands still.” are spoken… And that’s where it all goes wrong. Kids equate who they’re with to the emotions they’re feeling when in fact it has very little to do with that specific person . Neither of them realize those emotions would be felt with anyone in that moment. That specific person makes little to no difference – only the fact she trusted him enough to be inside of her. I say this because for at least the first decade of puberty, damn near no one knows who they are, what they want or what their future may look like. To assume you’ve met the one person “who gets you” before either of you know who you are will be a hard lesson that will hurt each time it happens -sometimes catastrophically.  And it will happen many times before you either get lucky and find someone who fits the bill or come to understand that your body and mind are setting you up to fail and will continue to do so until you learn to manage your emotional state better.

Some people never learn. We all have that social media “friend” that falls in love multiple times a year, saturates their timeline with couples pictures and statements of undying love… Just to break up, post memes about how they don’t need this or that and how strong they are… Just to fall in love again and restart the cycle.

Ask yourself how many times you’ve been mistaken about your partner. Or how many times “they were not the person I thought they were”. Do you think they somehow magically changed over time or do you think you were blinded by desire and made excuses for them until the new car smell wore off? Their cute quarks were no longer cute. They’re slightly annoying habits you believed you could get them to change, do not move an inch. And yet you blame them for not being the person you thought they were -when in fact it was you who refused to see them for who they were from the start.

Of course there are exceptions to this. Some folks have a really good representative they’ve crafted over the years who gets you interested enough to give them a shot. Once they know you’re hooked, it all goes to shit… but that’s a different story.

So what makes me feel confident enough to make such statements when I’m not an actual doctor or therapist? Why do I feel I can speak of these things as fact and not just an ignorant opinion of some old jaded guy who has made more mistakes than there are stars in the sky? That’s a fair question and one I completely understand someone asking. Here’s where my data is derived from:

Growing up I was insecure about every single part of what made me who I was so I focused on sex and seduction. For some misguided reason, I believed that if I could find a way to get a girl into bed solely for the purposes of sex, I could make her fall in love with me through the things I could make her experience through intimacy.Hopefully she would look over my awkward personality and gangly appearance because I made her body and mind feel things no other guy could when our clothes came off… and like the center of my universe the rest of the time. I’d just flood her with what all young women seemed to want – unbridled attention in every format.

I was too clever for my own good. I became a student of the female body and areas I needed to pay attention to in order to get the best response. I listened to girls I was “friends” with in school when they talked about certain subjects. (Females in high school I was friends with were just girls I listened to in order to find a better way to get them into bed at some point -almost without exception) What better way to learn about what the girls wanted than listening to them complain about what they hated about the guys they dated – one pump chump, jumped on, flopped around, jumped off, paid almost no specific attention to their needs, etc, etc… 

The one thing I was certain of was that boys my age back then were mostly focused on themselves. Even my closest friend, who had zero issues getting girls, was all about quantity over quality. Get in, get off, get out. I realized I had found my exploit. The skills I focused on would eventually make me a lot more emotionally damaging to girls than the other guys. Of course I didn’t know this at the time. I simply believed I had developed a better long term game than most others. Girls aren’t that excited to go a second round with a guy who is selfish in bed… But someone who treats their body like a temple will be a guy who has an extensive repeat performance list. 

If you met me 20-30 years ago and I had an interest in you, there was a game plan I religiously followed before making my first advancement towards you:

Relationship status
Life in general
Level of happiness
Most importantly, your level of vulnerability to outside influence

The following details may feel like my story is going rogue, but stick with me. There’s a point that should be clear by the end if I hold your attention long enough.

For sake of endless scenarios, l’ll share how I managed to catch my very first unicorn, the time I invested in doing so, and the lessons I learned: (And for those who don’t know, a unicorn is a woman believed to be unattainable -usually because she is highly coveted by men perceived to be a more likely candidate to win their attention)

Married? Yes. Faithfully for 10 years.

Life? Typical soccer mom w/kids, husband, and work life.

Happiness? On the outside she looked happy, but her friends knew better.

LoV? Intel suggested she would be open to exploring outside opportunities with the right person and under the right circumstances.

There’s a reason it’s called the 7 year itch, especially if you were high school sweethearts and had kids at an early age. By year 7 you’re in a rut, maybe questioning things, maybe having regrets because you had to get married due to childbirth, maybe curious what you’re missing -especially if you have a marriage that has been shit for years. If you have faithfully made it a decade, you’ve had 3 years to let intrusive thoughts rattle around in that head of yours. (Usually closer to 4 years. At some point in year 6, the thoughts begin to take root)

But the 7 year itch doesn’t just apply to unstable marriages. I’ve met men and women who were in good relationships and happy… but…, by year 7, one or both were showing signs of extra-marital desires. Some even said they had no interest in leaving their spouse. They just wanted to “experience the world” a little. (Remember my previous story about the married woman?)

Back to the story – Once I had my data, it was time to put it to use.

We worked together. Over the course of 5 years I saw her almost daily. I took my time learning what I could without raising any eyebrows. This was a precision mission, which is why so many others failed before me. Most guys brave enough to shoot their shots were ego-driven carpet-bombing types of jackasses. Quantity over quality. 

Physically, I found her flawless. Her personality was sparkling. Everyone thought highly of her… well, maybe not other females… because you know… caddy bitches hate competition.

Once I felt there was nothing else I could learn in order to give me better odds, I made the decision to trade my 5 years of research in for 10 seconds of pure anxiety as I blatantly propositioned my unicorn.

I eased into it by asking her to lunch, which was unusual as we had never gone to lunch before. When she accepted the invitation, I remember my heart fluttering like someone had stuck an adrenaline filled needle directly into my chest. I somehow kept my shit together long enough to play it cool and walk away like it was another day… Once out of range, I acted like a fucking idiot grinning and giggling to myself. I basked in the moment since I had no idea how the rest of our lunch was going to go. I sought to enjoy life at 30k feet in case she ripped my wings off (rejection) and watched as plummeted back to Earth in a glorious ball of fire.

Under normal circumstances, I would ease into the subject or find ways to make light hearted insinuations until she caught on, but we lived and worked in different circles. We had no commonalities. I had to throw it out hard and direct. It was something I had never done before. Just one more spike for my anxiety.

After we departed for lunch, but barely out of the parking lot, I propositioned her in the best, most polite way I could think of when asking a married woman to commit adultery.

Once it was out, there was no turning back. I was all-in. I could only continue to drive and pretend I wasn’t about to pass out. At first, she questioned my authenticity. I answered as honestly as I could. Then she questioned me about how long I had been interested – which I admitted I wanted her from the first day we met. (5 years prior)

Then came a question I had never thought of and was not prepared for – She asked me why I waited to ask if I had those feelings for her for so long. I explained that I had not been ready till that moment and honestly, I felt I didn’t have a chance with her.

We both had a lot to lose by agreeing to the affair. More than most people would’ve been willing to risk… Most people are not me though. Not even this woman knew the full scope of what I had placed at risk just for the opportunity to have her.

When she did not immediately turn me down, the nervousness went away and I focused intensely on her and every word she spoke to me. I did not want any misunderstandings or missed opportunities. Once we arrived at the restaurant, we changed the subject and discussed things other than what I had asked. The question had been presented for consideration. There was no sense in pushing for an answer right away.

Just before we made it back to work, she green lit the affair. It took every ounce of self control I had to keep the car on the road and not act like a kid at Christmas. My unicorn said yes? What. The. Fuck? I hadn’t been nervous about my sexual performance since I lost my virginity – but there I was caught up in a whirlwind of “please don’t fuck this up” and “I’m going to ruin this woman… or die trying”. I’d say it was about a 50/50 split. 

The day we chose to meet arrived and as promised, she showed up where we agreed to meet. As soon as I saw her pull into the hotel, I closed the room door so I could get my shit together one last time before she made it to me.

I stood in the middle of the room waiting for my dream girl… my obsession… my unicorn.

I could hear her walking along the balcony towards my door. With every advancing step, my pulse quickened. This was happening. Oh my god. This was really happening.

The knock at the door.

I opened it to see her standing there with a smile that stopped time… connected to a face that I could have sculpted by memory…attached to a body so sweet, one taste could push a man into a diabetic coma… And she was there to give all of that to me… ME of all people.

Please Jesus, don’t let me screw this up.

I can’t give specifics away now, but let’s just say our first time was well beyond expectations. Had I never been given the opportunity to feel and taste her again, I would’ve been ok – sad AF, but I would’ve at least had more of her than anyone else got a chance to experience. 

But you see, I didn’t have to worry about the one-and-done experience. Oh no. There were many other encounters after that. Each time I held nothing back. I wanted every orgasm she had to offer, every single time we were together. And no matter how many she provided, it was never enough. There was no quenching my satiety.

Our behavior became reckless. Making out in broad daylight during lunch. Playing footsie under the table while her husband was right beside her. Just dumb shit that fueled our lust once we were together. I couldn’t help myself. The thoughts of her buttercream-soft skin against mine… Making her body my lunch so I could enjoy her taste on my tongue the rest of the afternoon at work…

I wanted all of her. Every. day.

She was falling for me… And I was falling for her. Control over the situation was fading and I was the only one who seemed to care.

(As I typed the paragraph above, Chris Isaak’s “Wicked Game” started to play. Great timing Pandora)

Then one day she shared a thought that sent a wrecking ball through the fantasy we had been living in. The words she spoke reminded me that we knew almost nothing about each other. I had a 5 year head start learning about her and aside from the info I needed to proposition her, I had no clue who she was as an actual person. She knew almost nothing about me except that I worshipped her body and spoke sweet words to her. I wasn’t a total stranger, but I wasn’t even on a friend level – more like a work acquaintance.

What she was falling in love with was how I made her feel. I assumed her husband treated her like a fuck doll where I valued and appreciated every ounce of sweat she shared with me. Every orgasm she covered me with. Every kiss she placed on my body. I suppose I overwhelmed her with something she was not used to. Kindness. Sincerity. Appreciation.

I was overwhelmed with her physical presence and what she was willing to give me -which was everything she had to offer. Her body was mine to do with as I wished. She offered it freely and without hesitation. I always respected it, even when she was open to being disrespected in certain kinky ways. I couldn’t do it. Not her.

To my disbelief, I was the one who chose to end it right after that conversation. It had gone too far. There were so many variables in play beyond just the two of us, it would’ve been impossible to pursue anything further than what we had. After that convo, I knew we would only be inflicting further damage to each other.

I hated making that decision…For the first time in my life, I saw the armageddon that was ahead and chose to turn back rather than riding it all the way into the ground while lying to myself that it would have a different outcome.

What I failed to mention to ya’ll earlier was that part of our conversations before we hooked up was the fact that we agreed it was only about sex. She was married and I had my own stuff going on. I don’t know what she was looking for out of it, but I desired to consume her very essence more than I wanted to breathe oxygen. 

That’s the power of sex and the orgasm. We both agreed to what it would be. We both knew our individual situations would not permit more than moments in time. Neither of us knew anything about the other… yet the “L” word was brought into our affair.

Honestly, I don’t know how long she had desired to step outside her marriage. I also have no idea what about our affair she loved so much. I knew it wasn’t me as a person. She knew nothing about me beyond what the general public knew -except that I made her the center of my world every time we were close.

I treated her as my most prized possession, but I did so in a way that did not make her feel objectified. I respected her mind and body, even though it was pure lust that drove me to her. 

My point to the story above was to show that when the right combination of physical and emotional attention are given, it can and will feel like overwhelming love… But unless you already know what’s inside each other’s heart, the path they’ve been on, their ambitions, it’s not love at all. 

The “love” you experience for them is not for who they are, but how they make you feel.

That’s nowhere near the same and it is not sustainable. That’s actually the foundation for rebound relationships, which is yet another terrible side effect of sex and false feelings.

If you find a woman who throws sexual acts at you before you know much about her…RUN. That’s a woman who has deep rooted psychological issues that revolve around the use of sex to manifest self worth and/or a woman who is attempting to set the hook in you before you learn about the shit storm she’s trying to pull you into. For women who have been sexually traumatized, the very thing that broke them becomes their go-to choice for protection, survival and manipulation. They have the ability to literally weaponize sex.

I am speaking from extensive experience with women who have used sex as a tool for manipulation and survival. It took me 2 marriages and a truckload of therapy before I finally figured this out. I pray someone out there can read this and save themselves at least one broken heart.

You can choose to heed my warning. You may choose to brush it off and tell yourself “this one’s different”… That’s ok. I used to tell myself that all the time as well.