Words To Sleep On

When I was younger, I could not understand why papaw and mamaw slept in different beds. Did they no longer love each other? I swore I’d never be that way. Once I had my partner, I’d always want to sleep in the same bed with her – How else is the morning sex I planned the night before going to feel spontaneous to my girl when she wakes up? The keyed-spoon snuggle only works if I’m behind her when we wake up.

As the years ticked off one by one, I began to notice certain obstacles in my grand plan of a lifelong bed buddy. 

First off, it’s rare to find two people who sleep the same way (concerning partners). Not everyone can stay spooned the entire night. Next is the fact that it’s rare to find a mate who experiences comfort resting on the same type of mattress. There’s a reason so many products have been developed that address dual zone comfort.

As I grow older, I continually discover how wrong I was with everything I thought I knew in my younger years. There are nuggets of wisdom that are only earned only by reaching certain ages.

I’ll attempt to possibly help someone bypass the BS waiting time and tell you a secret.

Love is not made, broken, or maintained by resting for long periods of time next to your partner. Yes, it does make for special moments and of course, it feels nice to wake up cuddled next to the person you love – But if your relationship becomes unstable because you cannot sleep in the same bed, then you might want to look at the reality of your situation and address the lies you may have been telling yourself.

Before my wreck, my s/o and I always slept on the same mattress together. It was rare for either of us to be without the other for extended periods. You would think that was a sign that we really enjoyed sleeping together wouldn’t you? Well, you’d be partially correct. We enjoyed drifting off together as well as seeing each other when we first woke up in the morning… but happened through the night was closer to torture for my s/o. 

I’m not sure when it started but at some point in my life, I began to jerk/twitch just before falling asleep. And when I say twitch, I mean almost violently. Every time I did, it placed my s/o at risk of being hit, kicked, scratched, elbowed, etc… Of course, I never had a clue it was happening until impact. And this was not a once in a while occurrence. This happened every night, regardless of whether we slept in the same bed or not.

Still she troopered on. For her, the risk was worth keeping us in the same bed together. Even with the fact the mattress was not comfortable for her. I guess that’s what love does, but I don’t personally agree that love means suffering for some other greater good.

Then the wreck happened and she could not get physically closer to me than a hug for months. I was in a hospital bed, then alone in a nursing home. I had external hardware screwed into my arm and leg. Even when I got home, it was risky for her to lay in the same bed with me.

To be blunt, it was fucking horrible to lay there like a vegetable. Unable to do much more than hold hands or feel a kiss on my forehead. I didn’t blame her for not wanting to kiss me on the lips. Being stuck in bed didn’t do a whole lot for my desire to maintain hygiene, oral or otherwise. I mean, what was the point? I would’ve said life sucked, but I would’ve needed an actual life before it could’ve been classified as sucking.

Time does what time does – It moves on regardless of anyone and anything. Months sleeping alone turned into years. By the time we felt it was ok to share a bed again, it only took one night to realize it was no longer in the cards for us. In addition to all my previous sleeping quarks, I now toss and turn even more because of the damage my body sustained. If I remember correctly, the epiphany arrived by way of elbow drop in the middle of the night. We were both lucky that it didn’t give her a black eye.

After that, we would lay in bed together for a bit, but when it came time for sleep, we would go to our separate spaces. If time permitted in the morning, we’d snuggle for a few before getting up, but either way, we still got to spend time together before work.

The longer this has gone on, the more thought I’ve given the concept of the symbolism of “sleeping together”. So I did some digging on where sharing a bed originated from. I had no idea what I would find, but the answer made a lot of sense… for people back in ancient times.

Night has always been the harbinger of dread for countless people. Being unable to see what’s waiting for you under your bed… or in your closet. Darkness is the unknown. It can hide many things, most of which everyone tends to feel is not favorable.

Before electricity, people used oil lamps. If you’ve ever used one yourself, you know they aren’t illumination machines. They give just enough light to not kill yourself getting from A to B. Lamp or not, when the sun went down, pitch black filled the homes. People would share a bed for safety and warmth. From there, it moved on to social bonding. When you can’t see the other person you’re speaking to, there tends to be more of a relaxed conversation – much like today’s internet chat.

Then there are reasons such as space and financial constraints. If you’re trying to stuff 6 people in a tiny house, there’s going to be some sharing of the beds. As time went on, society changed its view and started to push the idea that sleeping in the same bed was unhealthy and that everyone should have their own bed.

The bed debacle came full circle once the taboo to be married yet sleeping in different beds returned to the norm. People assumed that if you did not share a bed as husband and wife, the marriage must be failing.

As you can see, the history of sharing a bed has been from one end of the spectrum to the other. Of course people who care about each other feel a certain additional bond in sharing a bed… But at what expense? The two things you should never EVER make sacrifices on is a mattress and shoes… and yet those are usually the two things people try their best to skate by using junk.

People will finance $4,000 to put chrome rims on their ride, but wince in pain at a $2,000 mattress or $200 pair of work shoes. Having owned an expensive mattress that was constructed to fit my sleeping style, I have to say I’ll never again pay “whatever is cheapest” for anything other than a guest room bed or shoes I plan to ruin through yard work.

But back to the story – Now that we have slept in separate beds for so long, I can confidently say that even she isn’t keen on us sharing a bed for sleep again. Our relationship isn’t going to fall to pieces because we have independent sleeping arrangements. I won’t be looking to move out because I don’t wake up to her face every morning. 

We’ve moved beyond that. Is it age related? Understanding? Or does it have more to do with fatigue from a life of terrible mattress choices? At this point, it’s hard to say with 100% certainty – but I do know that you could convince me that JFK died from natural causes before getting me to agree that beds and shoes are not 2 of the most important things you can invest in for yourself for a better quality of life.

As for sleeping alone vs. with someone else, I guess that depends on how well both of you rest. What’s critical to understand is that being unable to sleep in the same bed with someone will do more to harm your relationship than if you sleep soundly by yourself.

And let’s be honest here. If the stability of your relationship is dependent on sleeping in the same bed together… There’s not a mattress made that can solve the underlying issues you’re facing.