So how do I dismiss my girl and her family’s support in order to focus on a stranger? My answer may not make much sense to someone who has not experienced this space before.
When I was hospitalized I was at least 8 hours away from my s/o. As soon as she found out what happened, she dropped everything and drove through the night to be by my side. She stayed with me for almost the entire month I was in the hospital, then drove me back to our home state. My father and my s/o’s family made sure all my things made it home. A few months later when I was hospitalized again for a bone infection, she pulled all the carpet in her house and made one room specifically for my needs. Her and her family busted ass to ensure I had a mostly sterile place to comfortably stay once I got back.
Once home, she insisted on caring for me day and night instead of relying on anyone else. While doing so, she also held up the household chores and anything else that was required. She had the weight of two worlds on her shoulders and she bravely marched on every single day. Unconditional love is something normal people search for their entire life, yet for me it was unbearable.
It wasn’t enough that I personally lost everything, but the decisions I had made before the wreck had forced her to give up her previous job and move back to her old home… without a job. Yet she forgave me, set aside what my choices had done to her life, and came to my rescue. Every sacrifice she willingly made was another dagger in my chest. I just kept taking from her. It was killing me, but I had no choice. Self care was going to be impossible for months. The more she did for me, the deeper into darkness and self loathing I descended.
It is this type of behavior that can poison the roots of a relationship. One loves while the other is unable to reciprocate because they are focused on self-loathing. While it’s common for someone who is traumatized to revert into survival mode, it’s vital not to shut down so much that those who are there to help you the most get locked out and left feeling alone. Continuing to feel sorry for myself and feel like I have no value translates into abuse/neglect for the person who is already making countless sacrifices.
Trauma sucks the life out of everything… But it doesn’t have to. We have to be mindful and not allow ourselves to get lost in our own self-pity. It’s about helping each other back out of the hole. Don’t leave your loved one there because you’re too afraid of getting sucked back in. It’s the right thing to do.
Off The Rails 